Fear vs Surrender

Cried the whole night...think i am going to have puffy eyes tom...

Have always thot that i am a very lucky and blessed girl...but today i made an amazing discovery...maybe there is more to the Shoeee whom i noe...

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i never knew the impact of my childhood until today...until i consider my future and dream about tomorrow...

The scar that left me wounded and fearful...the realisation of its after-effects...

Would i have to learn to overcome all these fears with You and those whom i love?

I dun even dare to think...the wounds are left open now and tis amazing how i find myself bleeding when i think about it....

God, heal me...all these memories haunt me...heal me that i may smile upon every past experiences u put me thru...heal me Lord...

In Jesus' most POWERFUL name i pray, Amen.

WOw...

It was yesterday...it is still heart warming...though it happened in the midst of my exams and exams preparation...but it is nonetheless sweet...

My fortress was on his upper level double bed and his fortress was built with a blanket at his open-doors-wardrobe...

...and we had socks 'bombing' session...i lost..haha...coz i couldn't aim well and my fortress was open and i only had with me a pillow and a bible to defend myself...he had the entire blanket draped over the doors of the wardrobe...

Haha...but it was so fun...so romantic...so silly...sooooo sweeeeeeet to be able to have fun with him...to noe that my boyfriend can become my best friend, a good companion and playmate!

We watched Harry Potter and i dunno y...as i was holding his hand....i felt so loved...momentarily...so cared for...

The feeling never left even after one night and this entire day...

Thank you for loving us...thank you for being a GOd of Love...because u created us in your image...we knew how to love..amazing..

And then i thought...because u made us in your image, we are wise, we are beautiful, we are kind, we are good, we can be faithful, we can be gentle...we can be everything....In You...

Looking at Danny i can only say WOW!!! wat a great man...Father, i stand in awe of your creation and the love and all that they can give...

I want to praise them...i wan to boast of the goodness of mankind...

and as i do all that, i look to you...WOW!!!!!!

if your creation has your attributes, if mankind are made in your image and they are so beautiful...

You MUST be FAR MORE than STUNNING!!!!

-***Blink Blink***-


I dun even noe how to describe u...

just.........
'WOW'...

You are beautiful beyond description
Too marvellous for words
Too wonderful for comprehension
Like nothing ever seen or heard...


Just WOW...

Wow....and u are MY GOD....MINE!

Thank you...thank you...

Thank you Jesus for being so sweet...it was a painful journey to and on the cross....i noe i am not worthy...but thanks...really really.... i am very thankful u came on earth....it meant so much...not just to God the Father....but to me...it meant so much....it means so much...and it will mean more as i noe my Trinity GOd more and more....*mouth open wide...woWWW...*


:)

In Jesus's most Worthy name i pray, Amen.

FOCUS! n Courage to Change...

Father, Let me be weak that i might loose my clutch on everything temporal. My life, my reputation, my possessions, Lord,let me loose the tension of the grasping hand. Even, Father, would i lose the love of fondling. How often i have released a grasp only to retain wat i prized as 'harmless' longing, the fondling touch.
Rather, OPEN MY HAND TO RECEIVE THE NAIL OF CALVARY, as Christ was opened- that i releasing all, might be released, unleashed from all that binds me now.

-Jim Elliot, Shadow of the Almighty

Have been really caught up with exams...to spend quality time with u...i read your word every day yet i strayed so far from you again...engulfed in the routine of pharisee-tic actions...haiz...I found my thoughts straying and uncontrolled these days...my words r coarse and unseasoned...i live as though i never knew your Word and salvation..i live as though u were not sovereign and not worthy of my attention...a sinner's attention...wat blasphemy..

"Make me thy Fuel, Flame of God."
"Pray. That saint who advances on his knees never retreat."

I knew those words but i am not living them out...wat's the point of getting an A or B in exams, of looking gorgeous and pretty before people, of owning Danny if they caused me to lose the ultimate focus on you? All things that i do should be for u...i study for u...i present myself in a way that is accountable to my brothers for your sake...i love danny for u place him in my life now...we are not even married, how then can i conceive the idea of possessing him?

Yes...i strayed...i noe...i did...i wan to come back..

Look to me and speak to me...direct my paths...that i may give all up for u...no acting in front of people...yes i need alot of courage to face those ard me for i dunno how to tell them that i have transformed and i tried to be the same past Shuyi....i am ashamed of the change tt i pray for? Or have i no courage to take on the change? Do i fear losing those close to me?

Work in me, Father, Sovereign and Almighty...grant me courage and trust...everything i need...

Above all, a sharp and acute focus on you, to take charge of every thot and every action, and every word....help me to remember tt i need to be accountable to you at the end of the day...

Please Lord...



In Jesus' most COURAGEOUS name i pray, Amen.

BLeSSed Am I 2 nOe E LORd GOd ALmiGhty!

Yeah!!! God, u have been so gracious to me!!! So blessed!!! Happieee...

So sweet and sovereign...trust u to plan my entire semester, to prepare me for this exams...

Without your divine intervention...

I won't find myself doing SW3202 and working on a behavioural experiment, single subject design and i won't end up doing a little bit of consistent studying throughout this sem...

Without your divine intervention...

I would be struggling to cope with revision in a week's time and i would have suffered to find myself taking modules tt have high examination weightage....

But u knew all that is going to happen...u knew i will be by Danny's side because i dun wan him to go thru pain and hurts alone...u knew i would need to be familized with some studying so tt i will not be so flustered during exams...u knew and planned to give me enough focus and concentration for this exam preparations...

And u blessed...bless and is still blessing me....

U gave me all the grades tt i have...u noe the grades tt were secured...u could see the future and knew how i would fare....u knew everything...

Y would i be surprised? My God noes everything!!! He plans and executes as He wishes....Glory be to Him...

Thank You Father...Thank you....THANK YOU LORD!!!!

In the name of Jesus,
Your Amazed daughter prays!

PeAcE in the sToRM!!!

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-silence-

Dunno wat to say...i am tired but not drained...
somehow disturbed but peaceful...
Busy but not hasty...
Needy yet sufficient...

I expected myself to struggle really badly this week...Tis almost impossible to finish studying in a week's time when i have a semester worth of readings to go thru...

Monday...Tuesday... Wednesday...Today is Wednesday...i actually survived...

Amazingly, and furthermore i wasn't stressed...woW...
My BSF leader called today and told me that there is no more bible study for this term after tom's BS...

*Stunned, , a pleasant surprise!*

I was worried about my attendance if i skip and absent from class during my exams period...

God has been good and faithful...

...sweet and nice...caring and gentle on His children...

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Darling...he appeared better, for him to recover fully from his sorrow would be impossible but he is coping and coping WELL...God is good...

Thank you Father, Thank you for sustaining us... Thank you...

In Jesus' most GRACIOUS name i pray, Amen.

Notti Girl

Naughty...i've been a naughty girl...spending very little time reading your word and praying...dun really noe what i'm doing these days...actually i should be praying a whole more...

Something is happening within me...there is this little love in me...stirring..a desire to bless...but i must be cautious that before i bless everyone else...i must bless the Lord....maybe i need to be more focused...

the blessing that i speak of is not an outreach or a purposeful effort to care for others...tis weird...like an inner desire within me to love and appreciate people for who they are...loving them because they are God's creation...

I have a bad habit...i always grumble and complain and out of the same mouth tt sing praises to you comes meaningless words...i am sprouting rubbish all the time but as you transform me, i pray that slowly i will find more affirming words amidst the useless ones and slowly those nonsense will decrease...

I wan to affirm those ard me...they need not be people whom i try to meet up but people just beside me...i just wan to bless and love...

There's so much tt is happening and i'm struggling so hard...but i guess at the end of the day, u noe how much i've done to glorify or shame you...help me to glorify your name with my life...y bring me back to you if i con't to look to the world...bring me to u...the world tires me out..

In you i find truth...sometimes they are painful truth and awful reflections of my failures but nonetheless, speak the truth to me....that i may learn and change slowly for u...to walk and live for u and for myself, the way i am created to live...to fulfill my initial responsibility and role as a human, your creation, Eve....Guide me Lord...i'm sorry...

In Jesus' merciful name i pray, Amen.

Drained and Worried

My eyes are closing anytime...i am really tired...

yesterday i stayed over to guard the wake with Danny...so i managed to tok him...

He looked so tired...so many things weighing on him...the loss of someone he loves so much....i realised that God has put it in all of us, humans, the capacity to love...

I always wonder y some people take a longer time to get past the grieving stage...maybe they love more and are unable to take their mind off the dead...tis not easy...this is the first time i went thru a funeral with someone who is so attached to the deceased...the memories, the sounds, the images, the routine of having the dead in our lives...these are things tt can become so real...even when the person is gone...

He loves his grandma...he desires to be with her, to see her, to express his love for her....i din spend as much time with her...i just got acquainted with her but i miss her too...i couldn't bear the thot of the void tt replaces her...the chair tt she normally sits on was gone....together with her and her belongings....life goes on...but God has taken one of his creation out of our human realm...

Well, at the end of the day, God is still sovereign...He is still in control...He still deserves the praise and all the glory...how long can man be shaken?

I pray for Danny and his family...for the weeks, months ahead...the funeral only lasted for 3 days but the grieving process stretches and extends far beyond...Father, keep them safe in your arms...i pray for salvation for danny's family and my family....such pain of not noeing that our loved ones are in the bosom of GOd...i dun wan any of that...Father, work in us to love those around us and not to take them for granted....teach us to show them the gospel and open their hearts to receive with faith...please Father...i love them and i wan them to share in the grace and joy of worshipping u...the blessings and hope of eternal life...we love for u put in us the ability to love...then help us to love those we care for and those whom we know u care for...let us be the carrier of your good news....speak to us lord...help us to speak to those we love...

I pray all this in Jesus' MOST FAITHFUL name, Amen.

ReSt

Danny's grandma passed away this morning at 2+ am...he is very upset and still unable to reconcile the fact tt she was gone..

It really breaks my heart to see him so worn out and saddened...i think he will need alot of rest and time to get over everything...

I love this man...when i watched him, i felt so much like crying but i noe i have to be strong...for him...he told me not to look at him with those eyes...i couldn't help it...i just wan him to be happy...my darling and love...

He is afraid tt my exams and revision will be affected but these are all secondary issues now...i wan to be with him and to go thru everything with him...silly man

a little tired...learned a painful lesson...only takes the death of a lost soul to remind us of the importance of spreading gospel...

My heart is tired...need a rest...wat is exams? Wat is life? What matters?
Only the destination and destiny of those around me.....tt all may head towards heaven...

... ...silence...

...provide room for rest...peace and time with my Lord...Master and Father...

Thank you God...

In Jesus' name, amen.

Deaths Glorified Ur Name

'Senora, i lie awake at night thinking of my people. "How will i reach them?"I say."How will they hear of Jesus? I cannot get to them all. But they must know. I pray to God, asking him to show me what to do.'
In the little prayer meetings, the indians never forgot to ask God to bless their enemies: 'O God, you know how those Aucas killed our beloved Senor Eudardo, Senor Jaime, and Senor Pedro. O God, You know that it was only because they didn't know You. They didn't know what a great sin it was. They didn't understand why the white men had come. Send some more messengers, and give the Aucas, instead of fierce hearts, soft hearts. Stick their hearts, Lord, as with a lance. They struck our friends, but You can stick them with Your Word, so that they will listen, and believe.'

Jim Elliot, Pete Fleming, Nate Saint, Ed McCully and Roj Youderian....they were dead...for Your Name sake...they understood the value of your salvation, they experienced it and were swept of their feet, they gave up everything....for You...

My heart cries out in agony and pain...lamenting my sorrowful plight...have i forgotten to bless?

Lives before me are perishing...do your part Shuyi! Do your part!
Father please bless everyone whom u place i my life...give me the boldness to speak...they may reject me and your gospel but even if it hurts to bless, i will still bless....please God...please...
TRANSFORM ME ALMIGHTY LORD!!!! Help me to Speak...open my mouth to speak...to speak of you...you my Lord...please.

In JESUS' NAME and By JESUS' BLOOD, Amen.

-Values- in Life

Today i went to Changi Hospital at 12pm and accompany Danny's grandma till 2pm then ate with his mum till 3.15pm...ended up without studying...din managed to do much coz by 5pm, Danny appeared at the hospital so i went to visit his grandma with him again...
Thereafter i met mummy for dinner and went to cut my hair with her....now i'm home, bathed and blogging..

Exams coming in less than 2 weeks but i am not even stressed...i will work hard but at the same time i realised that there are things that i value more than mere results...in the beginning of this sem i was so stressed because i was determined to do honours but now i dun feel the same anymore...

Suddenly i dunno where i'm heading anymore...i dunno where You are leading me...tis in your hands...i guess i will noe when u reveal it...

Actually i'm very thankful for today and i think i had a fruitful day...scoring and preparing for danny's mother's exams...hahahaa...she shared alot today...moving beyond a hi and hello to learning to bless them...God, please guide me...amazing how i felt it hard to be a testimony to my own family....now i am blessing Danny's family... q('',)P wateva it is, God, i noe i am testifying for u...and those that u love and created...

Father and Sovereign God...please con't to guide and lead and protect daddy and mummy's time that they might turn up for the Christmas evangelistic meeting...please...u told us to make the best of all oppotunities to preach your gospel....may they love you and receive your blessings someday...please...

In Jesus' name...
By the Blood of Christ
Amen.

reflections...my blog...

I decided to learn from gor gor and be more discreet and private about my blog....i used to hope that my blog will become a channel of blessings to others but i guess at the end of the day, my blog benefited me more than anyone else...tis really therapeutic typing away and a great joy to be able to share my deep thoughts and prayers with those i cherish and love.
There was a point of time when i compared my blog with others'...and found myself very superficial but silly me...y am i even comparing in the first place...

Gor gor got a blog...tis weird reading his blog...i am actually reading and sharing gor gor's inner thoughts...but there is a sense of familiarity at the same time...this is the bro bro whom God has graciously given unto me...i love him so much...

God has been gracious to me...blessing me with a partner wherever i go....a gor gor at home who share the same faith and goals (provided we are not straying from God) and a man as lovely and handsome as my darling danny to strive in this walk of faith and consider a life together....

All these years i have cried out to God to give me people who will run with me...years of loneliness...when gor gor was in army etc etc...now tis all given to me...blessings and answered prayers...grace beyond comprehension...everything lavished unto me beyond my understanding...praise u Lord...my master, father, creator, redeemer...every of your name reminds me of your faithfulness and love and your sovereignty and control over my little life...unworthy...

Seeking an identity in You...i wan to find myself in You...spoke to Danny abt wat it means to be a woman of God and was led to this proverbs...proverbs 31...n it ended up as my blog link... pro31.blogspot.com ...yup...my model...the bible is my manual 4 living...the most authentic place to look for the proper standards and ways to live my life...tis becoming real-er n real-er to me...the bible...that i may believe and ACT according to all that is written in the bible...

Today, danny's grandmother was admitted to the hospital...i am very worried about him...these weeks ahead will be very stressful for him...Father, please keep darling safe in your arms n grant him all e strength he needs...help me to noe how 2 be a support to him...to be there to love him in the most concrete ways...and to love his grandmother...to noe how to bless those he loves...

Like how i have to love those u, my Father, love, to see them thru Jesus' eyes and to love and embrace them with the heart of Christ...

Every day...by the strength and love of Christ, the blessings of the Lord will overflow from my life to everyone around me...bit by bit, i will change and yield to the Spirit...just dun give up on me my Master and Father...teach me Lord...

I want to speak...

Elizabeth Elliot:

It was a time for soul-searching, the time for counting the possible cost. Was it the thrill of adventure that drew our husbands on? No. Their letters and journals made it abundantly clear that these men did not go out as some men go out to shoot alion or climb a mountain. Their compulsion was from a different source. Each had made a personal transaction with God, recognising that he belonged to God, first of all by creation, and secondly by redemption through the death of His Son, Jesus Christ. This double claim on his life settled once and for all the question of allegience. It was not a matter of striving to follow the example of a great Teacher. To conform to the perfect life of Jesus was impossible for a human being. To these men, Jesus Christ is God, and had actually taken upon Himself, human form, in order that he might die, and by his death provide not only escape from the punishment which their sin merited, but also a new kind of life, eternal both in length and in quality.

This meant simply that Christ was to be obeyed, and more than that He would provide the power to obey.

God's great commission, the question of personal safety was wholly irrelevant.
People who walked before me and suffered that your grace could be known to me today...

A life that is overflowing with your qualities...u gave us this life for u live in us...it is meant to overflow and bless....to touch, to love, to care...

It is all so clear and simple but almost irrelevant to so many lives...lives that were redeemed by you...where is the victory?

Raise me...here i am, Father....wherever u call me....wateva u call me to....as long as u empower me...to bless, to love, to give....to speak of your gift of life....to speak of that which u command to do...to speak of that which is so so so valuable in my life....to speak of that which transform me...to speak of that which have the power to release and redeem...

...to speak of you, My Lord Jesus...

As i shopped with mum today, i was filled with fear and uncertainties, where is she heading? oh how i love her and long for her to be saved, to be redeemed, to be basking in your love, to pledge allegience to you....

A family that raises hands to worship you....a family that bows before you...a family that gives you the honor....a family that tastes your goodness...oh that the blessing that i receive, that she may share in it and have a first hand experience, that she may hear your voice, that she may read your word, that she may head where i will go...same for daddy...touch them Father for you love them....touch their hearts, my Father... that they may share in this grace....help me to speak...to noe how to speak....to speak the right words, help me to pray, to pray without ceasing....to realise daily and painfully that my loved ones are not saved yet....not redeemed yet...

If i could ask, Father, dun come yet, so many have yet to hear of you...i haven spoken...haven spoken about you...open my voice....speak Shuyi....speak....speak of that which is so precious...speak it out with your heart...share it to those you love, to those Jesus loves...to everyone...speak...

i want to speak...

Please Lord.

Amen.

www.watoto.com

Father,

I pray for the Watoto Children's Choir and Childcare ministry. I pray for every single children adopted who are recovering from the hurts and pain from the loss of their loved ones. I pray for every single abused case that none of the children will be so scarred that they are unable to move on. I pray for your transformative power to continue workng in the lives of these kids. I pray for their little hearts to find comfort and rest in you.

As I watched every single one of them performed for you and smiled for you, i had this great fear in me....fear that these children will leave u when they enter the working world, that they might be led astray, that they might embrace the world instead of you. Seeing their innocent smiles and their childlike faith, i rejoice with them. Not a single one of them, that not a single one of them may leave you.

These children are so amazing....so precious, their smiles can be so genunine...i long to embrace them, to tell them that i really admire their lives. I see God in them....God's gracious hand guiding and leading every one of them...

Pain, hurts and sorrows, they've gone thru them at a young age. They were not given a lot...yet in this, they learnt to cherish and to give thanks for wat they have gotten and received from you. These young children noe of your grace and love much more than me...wat they have were removed from them...and when u gave, they received with open arms....

Father, those who offered up contrite and broken hearts to you are blessed. For they gave all they could unto you and u are pleased. When u remove, they thot they were empty but only they are so empty can you fill them with so much of yourself....

Oh how i long to give thanks the way they give thanks....wat a prideful heart i harboured...wild...wild and untame...quieten my heart down...that i may hear, with little ears and see with innocent eyes of faith, the beauty and the grace u have lavished unto me...

Praise be to you, My Master, you are kind and giving...you are the Lord...you hold the key to transformation...change my life...change me....

Thank you Master...thank you....i love you...for u love me like your own....though i'm unworthy...thank you...

In Jesus' most awesome and amazing name i pray, Amen.

Way of Life

I think it takes a lot to make the bible a manual for living. There are so many temptations in this world, so many wants, so much greed. Before i work, i''m already thinking about facials, spas, holiday overseas etc. So much conscious effort has to be put in to remind man that all are blessings and blessings are meant to be shared. Yet who will give up a materialistic life to bless others? How do we curb all the wants in our hearts? When do we have enough such that we may bless?

Missionaries have laid down their lives for you. Given up all that they have to serve you. But they should not be the only ones who sacrifice and give unto you wat are yours...we who are not called to be missionaries should do likewise...

Temptations come in all forms these days and Christians are compromising...we whom u called a holy people have chose the world over you....subconsciously we used the values of the world to look at the values of the bible. It is all wrong for we should use the values of the bible to view the world.

Help us to love u....me and Danny to love you...my entire cell group to love u, my church to love you, all the christians in the world to love u...help me to love u.....far beyond the world...to choose your bible as a way of life instead of the values of the world...to be aware and to distinct wat in the world is good and wat is not.

May the gospel have transformative power in our lives and for christians to truly noe that if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old is gone, the new has come.

And i pray all this in the name of the one who came and showed us wat it means to truly live by the standard of the bible, in the name of the one who struggled but did not sin; in Jesus' most holy name i pray, Amen.