Hello En En!

Cried the whole of yesterday and this morning.

Time to put on weight En En!

Mummy loves you.

I've packed all your things, removed everything that is too old...sorted out your stuff.

All ready for your arrival.


Mummy only have...

Your bathing soap, shower foam and shampoo left to buy...

and your baby clothes detergent....

Mummy can't buy too many diapers coz i dunno which brand you like...will try along the way la :)


A baby monitor when you are older...

Double breast pump if i go to work...with the bottles for bottle feed...

that's all...prepared what you are wearing at the hospital too...



You are not getting anymore clothes okie? Too many clothes already...


Maybe I can get you a raincoat.........for your stroller...you won't need a raincoat, the stroller will protect you...i will try my best to protect you too.





***** Just grow up well, be healthy, full of wisdom, statue and grow in favour of men and God....and be beautiful in form and in character *****


Haha that's almost everything. But of course we wish the best of everything for our little ones....you definitely. Mummy is well-loved...you'll be well-loved too...


I'm waiting for you, to love you in person.

Welcome.


The baby cot will be up very soon once papa is free.


It will be beautiful. It will be cosy.




Come join us....the Kohs and Zhuangs and many others await you.... :)

Tired....

I got no more stamina...

last 2 days of my work. Was supposed to be making sure that i conclude my work well but i'm really very tired....with a few days of 4 hours...the naps are not working out for me...think a normal human will be tired, let alone a 3rd trimester mother....

Really feeling the fatigue...

Danny is marking furiously beside me....i brought home my marking too but if i mark, i will start crying coz i feel so pent up....so tired and drained physically....i just wanna rest.....i just wanna rest....i just wanna rest....sleep in and rest...

Help Help Help!!!!!!!!!


Okie.....i'm going to the room to nua....thinf i just need the break...

Tomorrow Enen is going for her scan....i want to give birth on the 37 or 38 week....God please help me....God please help me.....God please help me....in your timing....but is my desire in your timing? I want to give birth........................

Ahhhhh..............

Ahhhhhhhhh...............





Can i buy my diaper bag? Just to indulge and spend? I dun need it but can i buy? Can i buy? tis almost like throwing away money for fun..........




but can i just throw money away?





Tis been one year of being in debt and trying to pay off the marriage and renov fund......one last month....then baby fund.....when can i be free? When can i be more lax with my money and splurge in joy????



The timeline for the resetting of account is too close.... :(


I also want to just spend, do everything in comfort, enjoy expensive food every day, take taxi home when i'm super tired from a day of marking, buy a piece of maternity clothes for myself.....etc etc...



single life vs married life....

growing up....


Lacking the stamina and positive attitude tonight....


just ranting away.....just ranting....just rannting.....



ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz.............into dreamland with my nua-ness.......

Meditation and Reflections

Start where you are in serving the Lord,
Claim His sure promise and trust in His Word;
God simply asks you to do what you can—
He’ll use your efforts to further His plan. —Anon.

I dreamt of Cui again. Or so i thot. Maybe it was just a passing thot. Yesterday i went to buy food at this vegetarian shop and i started to pray for the people there. There were about 10 men working there, cooking and serving, all wearing white shirt, jeans, pants or slippers. They wore the same expression on their face. It was a calm look, and one that says, 'I care not about the world and the transcendency of it'.

Buddhism.

There were some who had tattoos on them and i guessed they were won over and tired out by the alternative way of life. They changed and joined the fraternity, but not of the same Kingdom that i speak of...

They pledged their life to meditation, to emptying themselves of the world, not too different from what my dear friend is doing now, but the crux of it all, is the filling of oneself with which spirit - that of the world and universal as they claimed it to be or the Holy Spirit that we speak of.

In my dreams, i was invited to the gathering in a cave and monks were there. I had to empty myself and meditate. And it was scary because it was not the Holy Spirit that took over. Of course there's an element of romance that lasted for seconds....haha, a little brush with a little monk, but what comes out of the dream was.....Life is not about personal meditation. At least not for me at this point in my life.

Perhaps Mushi did a really good job expounding the Word on Sunday but this life is really about speaking the Word of God and letting it take form in my life and through my words- being conscious and daring enough to apply, quote and paraphrase them in my daily conversations so that the power of the Word can bring forth righteousness and presence of God in this world. There's so much to contribute to the life and growth of people around me.

I feel so compelled to serve yet faltering at the thot of my unprecedented future - motherhood. hmmmm....tis a time of relection. Hopefully i will be able to sort out the path to take during the weeks of rest prior to En's arrival in my life.

Jiayou Shuyi! Jiayou Ariel! Jiayou to the owner of the pink parker pen!

God loves you Shuyi. Everyone loves you. Dun worry, you are in Good hands.

Random unproductive thots and babbling

I'm looking through past photos in Facebook. The days prior to my marriage seemed so long ago. I felt like i have been married for years, dealing and coping with new things in life. My life seemed to have surrounded around Danny since i got married or maybe since i got pregnant.

Life really progresses huh?!!!


TIs 9am and i'm still not doing anything. All i can feel now is the sleeping bug that is taunting me...can't sleep at night....hmmm...

These days baby is kicking hard than ever - maybe tis trying real to get out of me...

How does it feel to not be pregnant....to have an empty womb after birth? Wah...my friend was just telling me about the empty womb syndrome when the mother starts longing for a second baby...haa wait till i'm really to put on weight once again.


This is my 2nd last week in school and i'm really unproductive....3rd trimester fatigue? Or am i just unmotivated....whatever...i need a nap.


I really need a nap.


Good night 9.16am world. I'm napping now.

PSLE Marking and Clearing of Duties before Maternity Leave

There's so many things that i am leaving behind.

So many things that i din wish to let go of especially after i've gained the experience to carry them through.

It took me one year before i learnt the ropes to being a CIP coordinator and now that i am more experienced, i am letting go of the position. Humph...

Yet it is a choice that i have made to make way for En En in my life.

I only have 2 weeks left in the school. This week and the next and i'll be gone. I'm not really ready to leave. I'm afraid that i'll leave the place in a mess. It won't be right. Yet while settling things, there's a sour feeling that i am experiencing. Giving away what i have built up. Given an entire week in school to settle my CIP. Doing up the framework and making sure that the next person gathers enough information for the SEM next year, coaching along the way and paving a way for the other person so that things will go easier for her when i'm gone. I felt a little reluctant (selfish) because i was never led to this place of leadership in the same way. I was left to just pickk up whatever that was left to me. Maybe i'm just being vengeful and hoping that others ave to go through the same learning process as me.

Sensual desire. Selfishness. How i struggle with it. Silly me.

I prayed for the school, for system to be set right and look at me now. Selfish. Yearning credit and recognition for myself, i placed my interest and vanity above the good of the school and the pupils. Not exactly the kind of Christian i think Jesus would like to see. Sorry Lord.

Tis scary because the timetable is so flexible. I could just waste my days away and end up not clearing anything or i could just accomplish everything i need during these days of PSLE marking. I need to be wise and discipline in my use of time.

Oh well....


Ariel! jiayou!!!! It is not the beginning of the race that matters! It is the end of the race that concludes how well you have persevered and persisted right to the end.

Finish up your markings, key in all your results. Mark all that you need to mark and return the rest to the pupils! Make sure all the CIP hours are inputed. Clear every single thing that are placed on your dish. This is your window of grace, a time for you to RUN the end of your race BEAUTIFULLY.

Glorify the Lord with your life, long not for the glory and praises of man so that your treasures in heaven will be great.

You need to be so much more in terms of your character. You need to be so much more.


Jiayou Ariel. Jiayou. The Lord has his cup for you. Give thanks to Him and take up the challenges in life, walk and run faithfully so that you can bring joy to your best friend, Jesus. May you be a comfort to Jesus. May you be a joy to him. May your struggle to live in a godly manner be a sweet offering unto Him.

Live by the Word of the Bible. Live according to the Word. It will not fail you. The Word will change you. The word has power. Live obediently for the Lord. Live OBEDIENTLY. That is the key to living for the Lord. Oh may the Lord help you and bless you Ariel.


Like how He surprised you with the gift wrapper for the Toy Buffet just now. Like how the wrapper was delivered just when you thought you had to buy them. It will be timely.


Bless you Ariel. I bless myself through the blood of Jesus in the name of my Lord and friend Jesus.


Love you Lord. Love you.

Insurmountable task

Yesterday, my hubby laid beside me and dropped a tear when i read my bible reading to him. My dearie was a little stressed. I cry all the time but it's different when i saw my dearie drop my tear. Like my heart broke.

Tis really not easy to manage all that has been entrusted to us at every life stage and as we grow, the share that we seemed to have to handle grows bigger and bigger. We thought we have cleared a milestone only to find ourselves with greater challenges up ahead.

It's unbelieveable how challenges one after another are handed and conquered.

Insurmountable task. Ticked and cleared from our checklist. Yet another comes.

Pregnancy sounds scary but giving birth is worse. Giving birth is painful but recovery....dreadz...

Recovery is short term, then confinement is longer. Learning to breastfeed sounds far away until the confinement lady is ready to leave. The first few days without her would be tough but imagine life with work and baby.

It seems like the load just keep increasing.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh......ahhhhhhhhhh.......ahhhhhhhhh.....




Hmmm...how the Lord stretches us...



What a journey!!!



At the end of the day, we would say,





Praise the Lord for i am molded.

Nearing Delivery

I'm nearing delivery....my cramps have come back....i wanted to have a balanced diet and not to overeat at night...i wanted to stick to my 3 meals. Yesterday night, i came home and fell asleep, woke up during midnight but went back to sleep. This morning i drank bird's nest and had gastric from the moment i awaken till 10am...I was too hungry because i din snack during the wee hours of the night.

Looks like En En likes food...like her papa...love them both....but the weight gain is not exactly my cup of tea...oh well...

Today i got a shocking news....my P is leaving and the news was just too sudden....no good or bad, just that suddenly everyone in the school is guessing what is coming up ahead...the unknown brings fear and i think we just dun really like to be out of control.

Every tongue was talking and the buzz was ongoing....everyone is speculating....and it brought me to a place where i'm reminded that i need to pray for my leaders...for every change that takes place, especially concerning those in authority and power, we need to uphold our leaders in prayers. We need to support them in prayer. How many times have i prayed for my P?

Like a young chap in the school system, i was just doing my job and trying to survive. I have not found my call to guard my leaders of to be a light in the staff room....now i need to be so much more...i need to learn....Oh Lord, help me....

HHelp me to own the school, to noe that God has a reason for me in the school, let not anyone look down on me because i am young and just a ground level teacher...

Let me believe in the power of prayer to let righteousness rest in my school, to build the education sector into a place flourishing with life and growth...

Let me be a good ground level teacher....help me Lord...

Weight Gain during Pregnancy

It was a big issue for me.

Gaining weight is really a scary thot.

I've never weighed more than 55kg in my life. In fact, i've always capped my weight at 52kg and that was all that i could bear.

Now i am 61kg. I have gained 9kg. It was scary. I am entering into my last 2 months of pregnancy - 33 weeks pregnant and gaining weight like nobody's business.

What a scary thought.

Every time i went for the pregnancy woman gathering and met Huey, i became more conscious of my weight gain. More aware of how much weight i have put on. I've compared myself to her and secretly hated my pregnancy and how it caused me to be fat.

The gathering has stopped because Grace is now pregnant and too tired to lead us. And for the first time i felt liberated because i dun have someone to compare to and i just live and eat so that En En will be healthy.

But today i met Huey again. And it affected my mood. She looked radiant. I looked PREGNANT. She looked good, i looked somewhat bloated and red as i enter into the pre-delivery stage.

I came home, sulked and slept. Awakened but refused to work. So i took up my book to read.

And YOU spoke.


One whole chapter about WEIGHT GAIN. You ended the chapter on how women feared pregnancy because of the weight gain. You were reaching out to me.

Will you help me with my weight issues and idoletry?

Being thin makes me feel good about myself. Makes me feel accepted. It gives me a sense of pride. It used to make me feel healthy.

Maybe i forgot what it means to me.

Now it is beauty that i am concerned with, not health. Somewhere along the way, something went wrong and an unhealthy preoccupation has brought about fear and worry.

Sorry Lord because i am no longer concerned about living right for you. Laziness and sloth has overtaken me in this household and i have been lazy about the upkeep of my personal life.

I used to really want to tidy up my room so that my life will be in order but for as long as i noe it, i have not been willing to bother myself with it.

Though i live in this house, i rejected it. It was not my home because there was someone else in it. I'm sorry i could not accept Danny's mum....deep within my heart. I din want to bother myself with many things because i just din like the idea that i dun own anything...i dunno how to explain.

But Father, i know something is amiss and that is something that we will have to address very soon. Help me Father. Help me to find our how i truly feel about Danny's parents staying in this house with me. Reveal it to me and help me to handle it.

There's a mental block and i can't reach it. It is too deep and perplexed for me. Grant me eyes of revelation to make sense of how i feel about Danny's mum being in this house. Help me Lord.


In Jesus's name,

Amen.

Vanities of Vanities

Vanities of Vaitites, all is but Vanity...

And this too, is a chasing after the wind...

It was a time of meditation, of revelation...

like the image of a walk in a dark and dirty tunnel...70-80years of life chasing after the slugs and slime, thinking that there is something worthy of our attention.

Living without the concept of the beautiful blue sky and wonders of the world beyond the tunnel. Our life on earth. Our chase after material gains and status / achievements.

Yet if you say that i live for God. How often do i consciously live for him? How often do i forget why i'm living.

Yet daily, i gritted my teeth and carried this heavy pregnant shell around, expending my strength in this fast paced tunnel that leaves me blinded to the larger world and entity of the Heavenly one.

I walked, ran and played like any others and wished for greater achievements but it was all just futility for now i have to give it all up for the little life that is joining my family. Who would have thought this is the path that i would choose to take?


And everything became the vanities of life and futility yet again.


Where am i heading? What am i living for? I only noe that at the end of the tunnel i will see light and an explanation will be given, a presence that will answer the many questions of life that man sought and found no answers to.


Then together with the beings above, my eyes will forever be set on what it was created for - The Most High and hopefully, the futility will cease.

waiting for the pregnancy days to be over...

I dun remember the days when i was slim...was looking thru my facebook profile and envying the past me...haha....funny...

This pregnancy is so long...been 8 months but i still have so many weeks more to go...feels so long...7 more weeks...En en...mummy can't wait for you to come....wishing that you will appear on the 37th weeks so that i can enter into another phase of life.

But thinking about the pain...tis so sianz...

En En...i love you anywayz...

What longing for stability,...

I love my church.

Was sharing with ah neh about this sister who has left recently...

Deep within, i din understand why....i've gone throu the years when i thot of leaving...

but now, i can't see myself elsewhere.

There are lives to be moulded, people to grow up with and watch them grow.

There are so much to be done in the church of God.

I can choose to be one of those who desire for more intimacy with God and for deeper growth - but is personal growth all there is to one's commitment and presence in the church?

Maybe? For a season while we experience God and is on the mountain top but there will come a time when there is so much more that can be done and contributed, when it is not just about dwelling in the presence but bringing others into the same presence, establishing an environment that is conducive for such a growth...


When did i become attached to this church again?

When did i think about serving again?

dunno.

But it happened.

En En, how will mummy's life change with your entry?

Mummy is waiting to find out for myself...


do you noe that your arrival impacted my life...suddenly everything changed.


Thank you for coming into my world to teach me to grow up.

I love you En En.


You probably stabilise my world more than you can imagine...


I love you En En.

You are a great gift that is beyond my imagination.

Never thot i will grow. Without you, i will never accept growing up.



I love you. Mama loves you En En!


Loving you,

Ariel Mummy

A new outlook for my teaching career

Dear God,

I worship you this day. Thank you for being my God. Thank you for teaching me and guiding me back unto the right path again.

Turning my back against the arrogance of my declaration, "I will do this for God...I will do that for God..."

Now every moment it is a time to say, "Because you have saved me and loved me, let me walk in thanksgiving and love unto you...let me be offered up as a pleasing sacrifice unto you and let my daily walk become an act of love...i do not have expensive perfume to pour over your feet and you are not physically present with me as Jesus is but you are with me for your name is Emmanuel therefore i will praise you with my life. I will learn to honour you with my lips."

This time round, not in arrogance but with a heart of thanksgiving and hopefully it will bring a little joy and smile to you as trivial as my walk may be...may You be pleased...

Learning to not look at myself and base my worth on what i have done, not to base my reaction on what others have done unto me but to look forward in this race every second and minute of my life, to make use of every opportunity to say, the next minute and second, let me behave as You would so desire so that it is not done unto man but unto you Lord...Forgiveness is not looking and holding on to the one who hurt me but ignoring and forgetting so that i may live and lift my next action in worship unto you my Lord...set my eyes on you instead of myself so that i may model after the glorious King of the Universe, the creator of my life...

Grant me a pure heart to seek you and love you yet again my Lord...

I want to love you, i desire to love you, i seek to love you, i set my heart to love you...help me Lord.

For the next second and minute, for the next few hours of choir and for the days to come....help me for i am forgetful,

Help me not to forget to seek you with purity and in truth...forever...