GOd...

You alone are aware...

You predicted...

You prepared...

And me...

learning...

With You.

Beauty

I spoke to Yanbing on the train. The conversation revolved around my future directions.

I came home, vexed and lost. As i tok to Danny...things cleared up.


It was open rebellion, me saying No to God again. Me refusing GOd's words and wanting a say in that future that i long for GOd to plan for me.

Ya...for Him to Plan it...but in my way...

I have wrestled long enough...i was lost in it...and then i wrestled again...

I want security and wealth, outward beauty and comfort.
I want to noe tt when i graduate, i will be able to dress up in heels and beautiful clothings, i want to be able to work office hours without having to do OT. I want to have security and a large sum of money to pay off my enormous debts incurred from my university education. I want to save up to get married. I want to buy an apartment that i like and do it up the way i want it to be.

I want...i want...i want...

Vanities of vanitie, all is but VANITIES...
Cast all your anxieties unto me...
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind...
Seek ye first the kingdom of God..
The beauty of woman in Proverbs 31...

Have i forgotten the Word of the Lord? Ain't all these the very words and guidelines for living? The plain words in the bible, yet from the manual of living...it has to come alive and to be lived out....it has to be...

I have seen non christians who attend church...these are people who live better lives and season their words with more salt than christians, people who are more sensible than Christians...

What happened? Well, the core of it is because we are not living the lives we are called to live...not hungering and thirsting for the Word nor expressing the desire for somehting that we cLAimEd to be so precious to us....not living it out...wat is there in Christianity? What is there in this faith if Christians are half hearted?

Yet it is the same with me. Open rebellion, hearing of the Word but not loving and craving it enough....the Lord of the Universe is depreciated to the sideline.

Me. Lost. Lost in the World.

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God, let me find you everywhere i go...In your presence, to give up EVERYTHING, my ALL, there is a right way to live the Christian life...not for leaders...but for every believers....to live out the plain words in the bible...not just profoundly hearing, not just memorising, but living it...

I need obedience and faith.

I need you so much.

Coz i am so hopeless and struggling so hard...


Ask and it shall be given, Seek and ye shall find, knock and the door shall be open unto you...


I noe u are speaking....just that i wasn't listening...because i was dreaming and talking...dreaming and planning...dreaming and searching...i can't hear you.



Here i am. Finally.

nonsense

I just finished the Korean TV serial...Jing San Shun...hilarious show but i dun understand how a person can leave someone after dating for 8 years and fall for another person after a fake contractual dating to escape arranged dating sessions....

How can memories be wiped off so easily...i mean if u have loved a person for 8 years and missed him/her for 3 years...how can one just fall for another person...i dun get it...or i dun want to believe that this thing can happen loh...

Breakups and reconsiderations always stresses and scares me....i mean...one moment things are good and couples are sweet, romancing each other and before i know it, break ups are taking place...then i will wonder if the same thing will happen to me and Danny...

I dunno whether it is because tis going to 17months since we are attached....like after a long time... but these days when i think of Danny, it is no longer with excitement or thrills...haha... I reckon the roller coaster days have even out into a drive along a gentle terrain...

Does that mean that we are getting comfortable with each other? What happens if we get too comfortable and start to take things for granted? But then again, time has a direct correlation with inertia...

Maybe i am just thinking too much...

At least for now... i noe things between us are still beautiful.... i better stop all the nonsensical thots in my mind...

Ramblings.......

Tis been a busy holidays packed with activities...more to come but nothing important wqas going on...just meeting up with friends etc. I find myself drained after exams from all these meet-up sessions...not that i dun love meeting but not all at the same time...

I will be having 3 camps this holidays...hmmm...wondering how i'm going to survive...but i did it before when i was younger...i reckon i'll be able to do it again...though age is catching up...but then again i am only 22 years old! haha..

Well, God will grant me strength...strength to run this race...as for now...the pending prayer requests are still piling up...really hope i will be able to say that i have prayed enough for all the people that i have pledged to pray for...though many a times i tend top forget and leave them on their own...

Prayer...i've been neglecting this area for so long...but thank GOd there is holidays so that we can pray and pick up praying...Some are called to pray more and others to do more tangible works...i noe which is the area God calls me to but it is so easy to neglect it...

Ministry...youth zone...things i wanna do yet i am so lazy...may God grant me initiative...come on come on come on!

Too many thoughts...

At the end, i can only give thanks...that i have a room to myself in this house...a private space to blog, health to sit up, love to accompany me...just the other day, GOd worked miraculously on my way to st Johns St Marg Church...and yesterday, i was thinking...if GOd place me in another country, under another kind of upbringing etc, how would i be today? But he gave a loving family, a good histories of school, a healthy body till now, a nice boyfriend, good friends, he used me in ministries, he gave me my faith, he provided my daily meals, he gave me a room to myself, money to spend, and ability to chase after wants in life...what more can i say? all the times when i felt that life is unfair...GOd has indeed blessed me graciously...


hhmmmm...a little break is good for me...for my heart and my mind...i need that... :)

T.R.U.S.T

Lord of All

"He's the Lord of the Sunshine

He is the Lord who brought the sun out when i visited the zoo with my social work friends today.

The Lord of the Rain

He is the Lord who cooled the ground with rain yesterday.

He's the Lord of the Good times

He is the Lord who guides me in my time of rest and holidays.

The Lord of the Pain

He is the Lord who helps me deal with struggles and headaches in ministry.

He's the Lord of the Mountains

He is the Lord who helps me scale to the peak of life.

The Lord of the Seas

He is the Lord who calms the stormy times.

He's the Lord of the Music

He is the Lord of Praises of all time.

The Lord of the Children

He is the Lord who teaches me to walk as children on Earth.

The Lord of You and Me"

He has double claims over all our lives.

-

Went to the zoo with Dylan, Gerald, Choon Guan, charlotte and Lizhen today. Thank GOd for the incredible time and perfect weather. It was a good time of rest and enjoyment...finally there is a channel to release and a place to vent everything out...Praise GOd...I think i really need some fresh air and entertaining company after being faced with much decisions and haphazard meetings...

Was feeling very pent up especially after staying by Danny's side for Sunday and Monday. Felt like i am running dry and unable to keep running...therefore was very glad to have some time on my own and just with friends outside church and home. Looking forward to a getaway...and hoping that i dun need to assure anyone when i am tired..

God has been good because He is Goodness.

At the end of the day, it is this knowledge that kept me going....to have hope, to noe tt i will be renewed in strength and in spirit...for He is Good and He is Love.

I will be with Him, in His arms...

I am with Him, in His arms...

Ambivalence

Disappointments...

I am feeling a little disappointed now but not totally too...i always wonder wat does disappointment achieve?

Disappointment can lead to self pity; it can also lead to greater striving...for oneself...

However disappointment in others only disrupt relationships and cause divergence...

And i dun wan to be disappointed. Love supports and encourages but disappointment gives up and condemns...

I wan to love.


Disapointment comes with expectations and the more we love, the more we expect, the more easily we get disappointed...

Maybe tt's y tis so much easier to be disappointed with those we hold close to our hearts... :)


i wan to love... :)
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Spent the whole two days with danny while he worked on his assignments...din do much but stay by his side...feeling funny now...also dunno wat is going on...

Beginning of holidays...how to use my time well?

Where am i heading this holiday?

What journey do i set myself on?


... ...

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I signed up for internship at CDC....sudeenly alot of career options are opened up for me....but i am taking honours year rite?

Am i?

____________________________________________

I dunno how i'm feeling now.

GrAcE...

I am pleased with the voting outcome.

Satisfied. :)

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Had cell today...leaders' cell...was glad to have a break after exams....

Satisfied with the REST and PLAY...

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Had an overnight session with my social work friends...we played board games till four plus am in the morning, then watched DA CHANG JING....slept at 7 and woke up at 11+, washed up at 12+ and had a great worship and prayer session at 1...thank God...ate lunch and then rotted and chatted at char's house till 4+...It has been a great time...PRaise GOd...

I felt very loved and blessed to have good friends in Uni..people that i am comfortable with...who tell me about their walk with God and encourage me by praising and praying to God alongside with me...to have comrades who laugh and cry with me thru this journey on earth...to have wonderful friends to embrace....to have ears that listen and hearts that feel, eyes that look in the same direction....blessed by GOd...tt's wat i am...to have lovely meiyin sending me down to another part of Singapore where i can have so much fun and fellowship...i love everyone so much :)

In their presence, i felt and experienced the freedom of worship....small and immature, prideful and unworthy...admist whose hearts burn for GOd...i feel so worldly, so uncontrolled...

But i guess we all have one thing in common: GOD.

He who determines our race and He who has his own timing. He who is in control. He who made us all individual, unique and purposeful.

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I am reminded by Danny....

TO give thanks.....

I bought a pair of sandals for camp and Janie and peepz added a black shoes to my collection...I realised i have so many pairs of shoes....

And i thank GOd, i have legs and feet, and beyond that, i have so many footwear....it is a blessed...truly a blessing from GOd....

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Dear dear is stressed. BUt i thank GOd that he is learning....things that he will not learn if he is not stretched....Therefore i thank GOd...

Above all, that i have the privilege to be by his side at this time to love and support him...

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IT IS ALL GRACE...GOD'S GRACE....(nope, not fenxia but GRACE!!! Ahahahaha!)