i felt my heart today and realised tis not the same...

A little pain...

a little loss...

a liitle fear...

When i realised that my heart is not only handled by God and my beloved family...

Somewhere, somehow...i dunno since when...

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Danny has come into the picture as well...

Will it fail again?

God, tis in ur hands....

Danny and me...

and our love...

:)

***Thank you Lord***

Rambling!!!

Went out with mum today...home and watching Tv...

been a boring day...wanted to go out with Danny but poor boy...he's having a fever since yesterday and a headache so he dun wanna chat over the phone...

...reduced to missing him and tt's it. Pathetic.

Anniversary's coming on the 1st January 06...but i noe we dun have time to celebrate together...wanted something different from every couple but no lah...too much for a sick Danny..he needs the rest...all the rest he can get before he starts school..

Haven been contacting people except my uni buddy who's ultra lame and a similar neh whose merely the male version of the former. Wat's with my life and people like tt? Hahaa...


Thinking of wat to wear for the anniversary...


...but too late now...my mum was screaming about my late sleeping habits...i should pray to you and rest...

Tada~

Love, Shoeee!

In You

I have plenty of needs and wants

you only have wants, no needs

My needs and wants exist

to satisfy your wants...

There i will find my need-

My need is YOU

forgiveness. Sorry.

Angry. Upset. Hurt. Disappointed. Tired....

Has been a long year...not an easy one.
Too much spotlight on the learning process...

verbal and non verbal cues that demostrated and reflected my failures
...passing comments tt smacked me in the face
...moments that left me wordless and unable to react.

Din noe how to respond and can't respond.
Have always been very extreme.
Dun wan anyone to use my past history to judge me again.
I have to be silent. I have to be careful. I have to be tactful.

These few days i cried alot, got angry with you, and myself, with the people around me and the ministry u gave to me. One of those thrashing periods in my journey with you. Alot of thoughts and alot of attacks.

I can't defend myself... because i did fail in many areas.

It was all wrong.
I was all wrong.
I am all wrong
but i will not be all wrong forever.

Because...

You love me...

I dun believe and never will believe that u will give up on me just like that.

I dun wan to test you nor abuse your attributes...
but i do noe that u are more forgiving and merciful than wat i can imagine...

You give and will give another chance.

All in love, nor mere cold judgements...in love...

That's y u prepared people who embrace me time and again, accept me time and again, and love me time and again.



This is not the first time i failed you or the people around me....

You have been faithful and loving till today
though i am unworthy

i need

another chance.

And love to help me with the disappointments and weariness.



Walk before me and show me the way.





I need a meek, humble and teachable heart.


In Jesus' name, Amen

/_\

Reflected over the impact of being in a relationship over the phone with Danny...
He told me a fair bit about my changes and my extreme character...

The coming year is another year of challenge...after all these adaptations, i need to be more moderate and careful in dealing with my time, management and communication style...

A painful revelation of the need to change and a heart's desire to commit all to the Lord in humility.

Nonetheless, i thank God that i am not totally alone in this...my darling is with me and i believe he will be greatly used by the Lord to play a part in my sanctification process.

Father Lord, GOd Almightly, i am here...

Mould me.

In Jesus' most holy name i pray, Amen.

Praise Him!

Had an AWESOME day!

Performed outside Paragon and saw this old taiwanese lady in her forties singing for the Lord...i was so touched..and i was thinking,'if tis me,i'll probably tremble to death from fear before i finish the song..' She reminded of David and i could literally imagined him returning back with victory from his battle, singing and praising the Lord without fear or shame, just basking in the love and greatness of the Lord....overflowing with joy and thanksgiving....just like that lady...with joy and energy...all for the Lord and all from the Lord...praise Him!

Went to watch Narnia thereafter. It was a great show and i think i wan to invite my frens for this movie...hopefully i can find someone to go with me...the Lord provides...hinglun is bringing his frens to the YFC movie watching and i was wondering wat am i doing...my best present for Jesus this Christmas is to bring someone before Him...to hear of Him...to play my role and be sent out into the field...who noes he may have prepared the harvest! :) Nonetheless, as i watched this movie, i am once again reminded of my great and awesome Lord...praise Him!

Took cab home with Danny and peepz and in order to save money, i decided to drop off along the road and walked home...Danny gave me 2 missed calls and he told me that he was so worried about my safety that he was ready to run to my house after he got off from the cab near his house....i was afraid of going home late at nite esp after i saw a stranger smoking and loitering around at 1+ but thank God i arrived home safe and sound. This is the 2nd time (recently) i felt so loved and cared for by Danny. He was so ready to rush over for my sake. The first time was on my way to mrt after GOTC...it started raining and he called me immediately, ready to rush down with an unbrella...tis all so sweet....wat a lovely relationship, wat a satisfying relationship, wat a giving relationship, wat a gentle relationship....praise Him!

Indeed, u are worthy! All that i have are yours...thank you so much for my results...it was unbelievable...simply a present like all grace that u lavished on me....my results is another one of your free gifts, beyond my expectation...u made the impossible possible.... PRAISE YOU! Love you...thank you Lord....thank you for not just being my Lord, thank you for being a GOD, that makes everything different and all SPECIAL!!! Thank you for being my SAVIOUR, that leads me to your goodness and turns me from my sins and shows me the light, that is crucial to life (in all sense) literally. Thank you...praise YOU!

In Jesus' most praise-worthy name i pray, Amen.

NeeDs N 2005 reflecTionS

A holiday of rest...a holiday of fooling around...a holiday of freedom to deal with my time...
I realised near the end of it that this is not the way i wanna spend the rest of my life...

This entire year has been a great year of adaptation and rest. Adapting to life with Mr Koh as my boyfriend, adapting to life as a cell leader, feeling for the first time that i should be studying and enjoying the process and observing myself in various ministries, namely sunday school, choir and girls' brigade...experienced the working life for 3 months in Andrew and Grace Home and a year to consider if i wanna further study in social work degree...

I dunno how the future will be like for me but i think i'll have a rough idea if God wills it the way i planned it...i'll be getting my results later at 3pm...that will be a big deciding factor...i'm still considering whether i should execute my plan...still waiting for Your reply...with trembling and fear...and diarrhoea each time i get stressed and too caught up planning and worrying.

In this year, u have changed mum's mentality..she is willing to come to church with me each time there are performances and this time round she is bringing fifth aunt with her (24th dec christmas evangel.)...she is also open to the idea of learning how to cha1 hua1 from anyone who is willing to teach her...it is an opening door...i noe it is....in fact the door was already miraculously pried open when dad bought a christian book and mum actually enjoys it and asked for more books from the church library... A MirAcLE i hope and pray IS HAppEninG in my home..the very place where i find my closest pple...may the blessings of the
Lord overflow and truly touch mummy's heart....and daddy's too.

In this year, i learnt an invaluable lesson, so much so tt it became center of my life...a phrase, 'the bible is my manual for living'. This is crucial and i believe, a turning point for me..i used to fluctuate alot alot in my walk with U but this phrase taught me 'steadiness, 2 b steadfast'. Regardless of my emotions, i need to be steadfast...i soon realised that every word of the bible needs to be followed and acted out in this earthly life of mine, that all the "Jim Elliot, C.S. Lewis, etc..." are only reference books....tt i need to grow in your word daily...that your bible is not merely a reference book for life...it is the very manual for living...thank you for showing me this and CONVINCING me to go beyond mental understanding and emotive response to trying to act it out. This conviction of mine, this conviction tt comes from u...i hope i will nv ignore it as time passes...time to time, it dawned on us but in no time, i would lose sight of it...may this emphasis on your word nv nv leave me...

So much to learn, so much to grow in....so much of u tt i do not understand and cannot fathom....show it to me bit by bit, turn my knowledge of u into faithful deeds...into understandings that hit and impact me...simple truths, simple revelations yet profound to a mind soooo tainted by the world...i need u Lord..

I need u Lord, my family, my cell group, my ministries, my church, my country, my planet, they need u....they are all yours...all tt i claimed is mine...they are all yours...for i am yours...we need u...we are in you and created by you...reveal yourself to us...

In Jesus' most REVOLUTIONARY name i pray, Amen.

Sweet SWEET LORD!

Sleeping 10 hours every nite :) Thank you Lord for such a free and relaxing holiday...Has been really blessed with a lot in this life of mine...my parents are great, adorable, giving, gentle and loving...my boyfriend (ooh, and God gave me a boyfriend!) who is so mature, understanding, tolerant, accepting and meek....and of course not forgetting good friends everywhere...even 2 best friends: my silly loud screaky Janet Oh; my pretty, ultra healthy Ms Phua...in school, i have 2 sweeties, charlotte the spider and meiyin the terror (ahahahah!!!)...in church i have friends like cui like neh like loy etc etc....i have a lovely cell with stupid people like jiansheng (:P) and doubting Thomas, Mr Wee Boon and A sparkler, Tingyu...etc etc...wat more can i ask in life??? Think if i ever appear on Star Awards, my thanksgiving speech will be so ultra long...gee!

Most importantly and amazingly, i've got a GOd who provides me with everything i need! WoWWWW!!! A GOd, not man....thank you GOd!!!! A nice day to wake up and remember all that u have blessed me with...almost unbelievable and WACKY...people says tt they have a dream and a hope for the future but i think my life now IS a dream...a sweet and wonderful dream...Y? Coz God u plan this life of mine and it is the best! Not without pain and sorrow but because u are the planner and u are also in my dream, everything is bearable and beautiful!
:) I LIKEEEEEE YOU, my abba Father!

Given an extreme character and a competitive and scheming nature, i am always struggling with my old ugly self and the new transformed self (under the process of sanctification)... yesterday my old self resurfaced and poor Danny got it real bad....however the beautiful thing is tt u always make use of quarrels to bring us closer, conflicts to draw greater understandings and to allow room for thoughts that were buried to surface...amazing how things tt man avoids are used by U to turn the events around to create a beautiful ending...u are amazing! GEE! :)

As i bask in your love and presence, i realised a little (always a little for i will nv noe u enuff) about y u say life with u for eternity is good...like how i couldn't bring myself to scream and yell at the nicest person in my life, no one can bear to bring themselves to act in an unholy manner before a GOd tt is so HOLY and GOOD!!! All the bickering and quarrels, all the pettiness and jealousy become shadows in your presence...how could we bear to be evil when GOOD is so overwhelming! :) Thank you for being so awesome!!! Thank you! Love you Lord...love u love u LOVE U!!! *HUg Hug Lord!!!***

Thank you Father, thank you bro bro Jesus, u literally save the day!!!

In Jesus' the best bro's name i pray, Amen!

(p.s. my bro bro zheshen is a great wonderful and sweet man too, but much lesser if i have to compare him with my Lord Jesus!)

Talents to be earned!

Recently there is this sense of 'peace' within my heart...dun really noe how to describe it but tis a very stable feeling and i'm kinda worried coz i dunno wat's going on within me...but i guess if i come to you, i won't stray too far away...maybe i fear that the stability stems from a hardness of the heart or numbness tt dulls my sensitivity towards you...dun think i can afford to lose u...therefore i am very worried...is that feeling 'peace'???

Learnt great things and lessons yesterday...a humbling experience...was rather pissed with danny for interrupting my cell functioning only to learn lessons from him...lessons on fellowship and bonding...lessons on love and care...thank you Father for guiding me... :)

As i look at Tingyu, i see the passion and love for God, a fervency that dun compromise the standard of the bible...hmmm...as i look back at myself...i wonder if i have come to a stage whereby i am no longer so absolute about your word...then i realised that i've come a long way from being a judgemental rash girl to whom u have molded today...yup... should nv compromise the standard of the bible but i have to bear in mind that there are variations and different attitudes and paths that lead to a changed life and growth in you...the impt thing is for us not to give up serving in areas that u call us to....to always serve u and others as an expression of my love n like wat Hobbes said, 'to nv give up...to trust that u have given us enough to overcome...to not be afraid of failures' for in all humanly-defined circumstances, God u will be with us...even when we fail..then wat do we have to fear or lose...well...i guess in all things, as long as i'm with Christ i am gaining and nv losing for your presence is enough and your presence with me is the victory in itself... :)

Thank you for your reminder....a great lesson to be very alert and careful w the time tt u have given to us...thank you so much for giving us the talents while u are away...i will try to earn back some talents by the time u return and even if i fail to...i will deposit the talents in the bank....Father, i will learn not to be foolish and lazy...but i need your help in all these...please Lord....

love you....love you...love you!

In Jesus the GREATEST TEACHER's name i pray, Amen.

JOy In My HeArt! :)

:)

Had a blessed day and blessed weeks of holidays! Feeling blissful and happy.... discovering your goodness!!! Gee ;p

Realised that i have spent alot of my time going out and interacting with people and i am enjoying the company and extensive communication...felt like i am back to the old days when i served and enjoyed all the services that i am involved in...happy and contented with all that u have given and amazed at the things you put in my life! AMAZING! haha :0)

Joy, Qingnian, YangLiang, Yasi, Renie, Wenxian....etc...etc...i love sharing...i love the interaction and time with them....i love to be in their lives! Apart from the life of Danny, Jane, my family....i wan to be also involved in other's lives! Lives of people outside my cell group! Lives that are beautiful and planned by you!

MY MY My my!!! Where on earth did i find all these energy? A fully charged Shoeee! Wow! All ready to burn and to burn brightly, to live and to live life to the fullest! Gosh! How you refreshed me! What thankful-ness you put in me!! Such an appreciation of the joy that comes from you!!! Like i found myself as i interact with lives!!! Joy Joy Joy...Joy in MY heart!!!

Overwhelmed by how u answered my prayers...remembering the times when i cried out to you, when my heart prayed together with my tongue....when my head was lifted and knees bowed before you...those times u have heard...and today prayers are answered! Such GRACE!!! Awesome!!! :) Thank you God...

*smiling sill-ily at you with dreamy eyes and wide grin* :)

Thank you Almighty God who loves and cares for me!

Thank you God my Heavenly Father!

*Hugz*

In Jesus' most Joyful name i pray, Amen!

Mistaken

Tis late at night...haven read anything today...thot of starting and finishing Amy Carmichael's biography today but ended up just wasting away...dunno wat i'm doing...suddenly i have a fear within me...fearful that i might just stray away from you in this holidays...a time of resting and indulgence even...

On Sunday i spoke to a youth and asked her if she wanted to have follow up...she told me that she need to think it thru and tt she normally takes a long time...maybe until she grows old and i felt really terrible inside...y? y not today? y not jump at the chance? All these years in church...y haven she realised the goodness of God? I noe not...but tis worrying...thinking about her lukewarm attitude makes me worried...wat happens if i am lidat too...? i am lidat in fact...to a certain extent...

And tis not just her...the taxi driver who drove me to church...he spoke so much about Christ...so much anger...so much accusation and misunderstanding about u...and i just sat there and listened...i wanted so much to tell him that God you love him...i wanted to tell him that you are not the way he describes u 2 be but i dun really noe how...i spoke but i felt that he was not listening...hearing but never listening...and his eyes...they are so blind to you and your goodness...and i noe they are not the only ones...my heart sinks within me even as i type these down...how could they misunderstand you in this way? How hurtful and unloved....how unworthy and wat audacity...that's us....your creation...mere human...always doing silly things...always sinning...

For that reason, we need you all the more...because we are always sinning, always erring, always falling, that's y we really need to cry out to you for help...

At least i noe i need to...grant me enough strength to turn this desire into action...please Father....please Lord...

In Jesus' merciful name i pray, Amen.

Holidays!!!

Hmmm...tis finally holidays! Very happieee!!! Exams' over though i messed up one paper v badly...but i guess it dun really matter now tt tis' over...wait till i get my results...

I got a good rest the last few days just rotting, watching VCDs, thinking and praying...went for a Girl Brigade BBQ and felt really weird about it...i'm surprised tt i miss GB and the girls there....i'm surprised to find that i am so at ease in that ministry...is it because i was looking for something fresh and new or is it because i am given the ability to serve in GB? I really dun like taking badgework and i hate teaching drills...meaning i hate to do anything constructive except interacting with the girls...maybe leading them in worship...but my heart goes out to them...so at ease...like i've been in uniform grp all my life! But i noe i cannot be rash...no shoeee...dun rush into anything again...

Next semester i must decide if i wanna take a Year 4-honours module...i'm really not sure...terrible...

I can't see my future, i noe u dun mean for me to see it so that i may noe how to trust but there are times when i really dread studying...how? should i con't? Sometimes i think i love studying too...silly me..social work...am i going to be in social work profession next time? I have no idea too...can't see wat lies ahead...no idea wat decision to make...only have you as my light but even so...i feel like i am walking on a very thin line...balancing and trying not to fall off...that thin line and good balancing requires me to be so sensitive to you tt i may noe when to turn left or right...how?

Just keep me close to you...help me to focus on you even though everything around me are so beautiful, let them not be a distraction but always a tool to bring me and draw me closer to you...i need critical eyes, mind and heart, not to judge but to discern for myself wat propels me closer to you....i need your sensitivity so much or else i noe not of the path that lies ahead and even worse...the steps to take to walk in a path that is pleasing to you...guide me Father, Lord of my soul, spirit, heart and mind...guide my body that it may reflect your goodness...even in times like this when i have no idea where i am heading...

Thank you my guider and ranger...

In Jesus' most ILLUMINATING name i pray, Amen.