I'm a sardine!

I knew if i dun meet Danny today, i won't be able to spend time with him till Saturday.
I wanted so much to meet him because the stress from studies and attachment is really quite bad..

...Yet...

... deep within me, i wanted to head for home.
And i did.

Somehow there is voice beckoning me to go home, to rest, to rot, to empty my mind and to prepare myself to meet God...
Ya, i always run to Danny when i'm tired.
After i cry, i will tell God but He will only be the second refuge.

Somewhere, somehow, i knew i have to change.

I can dun meet Danny but i cannot not meet God.

I headed home. I rested and blanked out.

I held on to my life application bible and hugged His Word. It was amazing... I din read,merely recall but...it was enough. It was comforting to noe that though he has gone back to heaven, he left his words behind. He told me that that if i am weary i can go to him. He let me noe that if i am lacking in strength, i can still do everything through Him. He told me that the weaker i am, the stronger i am in Him. God loves me. When i groan with sighs that words cannot express, he speaks. He watches my every tear. He noes how stressed i am and how many hair i am dropping. He knows every fear.

He is God. And He satisfies.

Thank You Father for being so Almighty yet still so loving. :)

KTV

I really wish i could share Danny's passion and joy when it comes to music but everytime i stepped out of KTV, i feel like a pile of shit. I can't sing for nuts because i feel stressed singing in front of people. He told me not to be so conscious, how can i not be when i have no idea wahat i'm singing and i dun have the tune and lyrics in my mind.

I never listen to songs and i never like to. Somehow.

Maybe i will when i start working and after a stressful day at work. The journey home will be a time to just blank out and rest and listen to music.

But not now. I only got that much time to be quiet and to reflect. I like to be on my own, dreaming, analysing, reflecting and thinking. I dun wan to fill up the spaces in my life with lyrics that doesn't bother me. I dun wan my mind to be busy with all these sorrowful lyrics, not exactly healthy either. Always so self centred and problem focused. I just dun have the interest.

At the same time, i want to share his interest. He brightens up when he sings. I love to see him happy. When i told him how i felt after yesterday's KTV, he told me he can stop singing for me and explore other interests and my heart broke. I just Danny to be Danny.

Maybe we just can't share it. Maybe.

:(

Man

Sometimes i wonder y there is so much about oneself...
There is so much greed in man rite? Constantly striving and wanting attention for ourselves, to live a comfortable and better lives than others...to consistently look for the easiest way out...

Others always that "If God exists, y is there troubles, disasters and pain in this world..." I wish they knew the core of everything, the trouble-makers behind everything.

Many asked about the tsunamis that happened...y did God allow it? And my bible teacher asked, " Y did man cause pollution? y did man cause global warming? y did our climate become so terrible? y is there a hole in the ozone layer? "

They asked, "Y are there so much evil in this world, murders and thefs, hurts in the emotional world?" And i ask, "y is man so selfish? Y is man so greedy?"

Y did Adam choose to eat the apple and fail the test placed for man? Y did we not repent after Noah's ark? Y did we not stop building our pride after the tower of Babel? Y do we continue to encourage pollution, to litter? Y are we always doing things for our ease and own selfish benefits? Y are we hurting those around us?


In Genesis, God made us human, He gave us a blessing, He told us to subdue the earth...He gave us a huge responsibility, He believed in us and cherished us. But we failed Him again and again. We disobeyed God and ate that stupid fruit from the tree of Good and Evil. We harboured sins within our hearts. We lie, we steal, we murder. WE built the tower of Babel. WE hurt those around us.

And at the end, we look to God and ask, "Where are u GOd?"

He waited and is still waiting.

FOr GOd so Loved the World that He gave His one and Only son, Jesus Christ, to die for us. That Whoever who believes in Him may have Eternal Life.

He told us to return to him, so many times he told us....In the Bible.

That we may learn what it means to love before the God of Love.

Y is the world today like this?
Y can't man just return to the Lord and accept Jesus in our lives?
Haven't we created enough mess in this world?


So many Whys, Y don't we ask ourselves all the Whys instead of GOd, He already answered us in His Bible.

When will all of us learn to live not merely looking at ourselves but at God and His beautiful puposes for Man and the World He Created?

Sorry GOd..many a times, i was not a good testimony, not good enough to testify for an Awesome God like You. But i will try, May all of us who are Christians try...FOr You.

healthy? :(

Dear God,

I got slightly high cholesterol!!!!!!
I am following in my mum's footsteps!!!!!
:(

Although it is the good cholesterol that is high, but i am only 22 years old...i can't imagine how life will be like when i am in my 50s. :(


I am unhealthy....

love,
Shoeee...

This world holds nothing w/o u

:)

Was reading everyone's blogs again...
Never enough to learn about each individual...
Always so much to uncover...
Uniqueness...

Tis been some time since i last picked up a book to read. Was looking at all the books in my room..i should really start reading again...

Maybe i should start...

A prayer group
A book reading group
A sharing group
A journal writing group (or blog group)

The movie yahoo group has started...time for other things to begin...to enrich my useless mind and to engage something helpful...

---->

Father, let my sparks fly and fire burn...

I need gentleness, love and holiness... :)
At the end of the day

<----

Now i am trying to work on my attachment journal and my case reports...sometimes i think there is no end to them...but then again, there be no end to being a help to others or to an agency...

I must remind myself that though this is one out of 4 modules i am taking this sem, this is the only mod that connects me to the real world. This is the mod that gives me an opportunity to serve others, not just myself and my grades.

It is all in your hands...my worries about honours year and wat my future holds...

It is you who told me in Phil 2:13 that u are willing me to act according to your purposes, i am here struggling and tearing...all for u...then show the way as your servant waits...

I have yet to recognise that pillar of cloud and fire, lacking in the readiness to detect when it has shifted, but i noe one thing: It is the process of learning all these that matters...

In You alone.

ALL e Way!

Shoeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Jiayou!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Danny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jiayou :)

Everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jiayou!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I packed my room

I packed my room today!!! Finally.

Haha...when i get messy, a day is enough for me to turn my room upside down. And my room was unpacked for 3 whole days!!!

But now i've packed it.

Packing my room and the state of my room always reflect my state of mind and heart. Sometimes i become so tired that i cannot be bothered. Other times i am so frustrated that i must tear everything down. Yet from time to time, i need to clean up the mess and restart again.

Packing my room is something very therapeutic and special to me...have always been...it makes me happy coz i like tidiness and order, everything to be in place and organised, always ready to invite others to my cozy room...a time where i give myself another chance to start all over again...Packing my room is always accompanied with a different state of mind and a heart that tells God "i wan to start all over again".

I love to pack and i can find things to pack everyday. :)
And TODAY i packed.


"Yes God, a new start again...after all this weariness from my attachment, after all the sins from daily living and succumbing to temptations....yes God, i am back again with a clear focus...ready to run again, till the next time i rest, i am here again. Always in you, even in the midst of the mess. Now, different coz i've packed the past again. Another cycle of living for you..."


You noe, i fear....and shoeee fears more than a lot of people. Of all, there's one that i fear the most. I fearing losing You, losing my faith...maybe there's too many people around me whose hearts grew cold with time....and i pray that i will nv be one of those...

The more i noe u, the more i don't noe u...the more i want to noe u, the more i feel like i dun noe enough about u...the more i cherish noeing u, the greater i fear losing u...

But i noe, u will not let go of me...don't. No matter how much i sin, dun give up on me. Yes i rebelled, i banged against the wall from time to time, i was nv a good example but all i have is the faith that keeps trying for you...I can fail but in u, i already have the victory.

I packed my room. And i spoke to my mom for an hour about the gospel. It was clear to her that at this pt in time, even if she noes tomorrow is the end, she wants to worship herself and celebrate the goodness of man, not u. But i will not give up.

Simply becoz u melt the hardest heart. U can melt it...u are God. It is nothing to u at all. I will wait... for the day u demostrate your glory in this family. I will wait.

Meanwhile i shall speak and continue speaking. I will be a cell leader who learns to lead by example. I will learn to strive for u, in u, to be like u...i will learn to uphold the holiness, to be christlike...i will try....and i believe...

You will sanctify me.

Because u are GOD.

In Christ Alone

Had church leaders' meeting today,

Had zone meeting today,

Had a deep sharing with Lizhen Jie,

Had a deep sharing with Danny Koh,

Had a discussion with Benjamin Lim.

Much Talking and much Thoughts...

Much Responsibility and much Fears...

Yet these days, it came with

much Conviction and much Confession

The path ahead is clear as long as i focus on u

The path ahead is clear as long as i listen to your voice

The path ahead is clear as long as i look to you

The path ahead is clear as long as the Spirit moves

Draw me close...and let me dream

with Eyes that look not at the world

Ears that hears nothing from the world

Heart that feels, not based on the world

Taste that is satisfied not by this world

Nose that blocks out the smell of this world

In Christ Alone.

Change me!!!!

Distractions. Too much of it in my life...

Busyness. The worst of all being the busyness of heart.

Prayer. A missing part in my life.

Fear. A major enemy at work.

Victory. Walking with God.

I need a turning point.

I need to strive to change.

I need to progress in our relationship.

I need to be by Your side.

I need growth.

I need You.

A need, not want. I am created by You.
These are needs.
I need to see the reality-beyond the illusions of the world, Your reality.
I need to find You, to see You. Even if it means death and loss.
That's wat my life is supposed to be anyway...

Only in You will there be victory for You.
And i wan to learn to live...to bless Your Name.

I need You

Knowledge

Reading blogs can be so encouraging...

And so discouraging at the same time...



I had a realisation today: I am selfiish.

I haven seen the Love of God in His fullness.
That's y i am not captured, not basking in love...

That is y i did not love enough.

I noe so little about my God.

I need to noe more.

accomplishments

Accomplished much today!

Though i din have lessons, i ended up in school for medical check up. Then i have wait from 10am to 5.30pm for my meeting for group work.

I ended up submitting my biology mod homework and my journal entry for attachment.
I cleared my mail and shared regarding my placement experience to my agency.
I went to Queensway and i bought my Valentine's Day present for Danny.
Now i am blogging.
When i am done, I will be at the group work meeting.

Tis a great day because i noe that i am making good use of my time...i am feeling more relaxed and relieving stressed as i cancel out the To-do list... :)

God is Good...All the Time! Somewhere, somehow, somewhat, my life is picking up once again. The weekend was horrible...Friday was stressful, Saturday was packed, Sunday was the worst.
The Spirit touches....He woke me up for first service but i ignored...and i felt so guilty thereafter... but i also realised very clearly...that feeling...feeling of the Spirit beckoning me to do something...
I din have peace for so long...

But now my heart is settled...The Lord heals...
The agency incident is a lesson to learn...
The cell ctivity is something to watch out for...
The girl guides gathering is something to reminisce...
The Early Sun morning and terrible Sat night was a good lesson to be sensitive to Him..
The evangelistic meeting is a good start for my parents...
The dinner and time at Danny's house is enjoyable...
The morning checkup prepares for today...
The afternoon today is well spent...
The mail expressed made me more vulnerable and mould-able...
The evening spent is for a good cause...
The night will be a romantic one...


Thank you God for today, yesterday, yesterday's yesterday...etc..
Thank you for the future that is unfolding with each minute...
It is all beautiful no matter how hard it is...in Your time... :)

Love you Lord...

I'm privileged!

Yeah YeAH YEAH!!!!

I have the Holy Spirit in me mE ME!

I have Jesus In My LIFE!

The Father PLANS my PATH!!!

ooohhhh! Wat a Joy...!!!

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Joyfulness in Stress!

The Holy Ghost really ministers...

Christian Student

I am a good girl today.

Today is my first free day of the semester, the first day i stay at home to rush my assignments, journal entries, proposals and readings...sounds like a handful but one at a time...!

This sem is pretty exciting and i feel very much on my own. No more Charlotte and friends to remind me of everything i need to do...just me and myself :) Jiayou Shoeee!!!

Father Lord, i am going to start my work for today...please bless me with discipline and patience can...i think my Irritable Bowel Syndrome is starting again...my psychosomatic defence mechanism is leaving me with nightmares for the last 2 weeks...ooohhhh...shoeee got to take it easy!!!

Darling is going to be very stressed too...please keep him in you...

Chinese New year is not over yet but it dun feel like festive seasons anyway....i'm back to reality....the world and uni is moving on, i got to buck up as well!

Thank You that i am only taking 4 mods this sem and i avail myself of this day to rest and to catch up with everything...thank you for helping me with this decision making and for settling on honours year without vying with others for the scholarship...thank you for the talk with Dr Ng even though i am too embarrassed to see her now...haha...

I am finally getting used to the idea of having Danny in my life and learning to listen to your voice alone...the GOTC talk is very good...indeed i need alot of faith to hear wat u have to say to me and where u want me to go...

Father, if u ask me to go, i will. Even if u din ask Danny. I used to think tt i need to align myself with Danny...but now i think tis more important to align myself in the direction u are calling me before anything else. U will prepare Danny...i trust that u are more sensitive, considerate and tactful than anything and anyone in the world...simply because u are GOd and u are the benchmark... :)

Thank you for all the lessons learnt this year n last year...thank you for teaching me and not giving up on me...

K i shall go and do my part as a Christian student now...tada...

Love u!

To be a Light

I sensed this nagging feeling for quite some time...i dunno how to explain it but i noe tis regarding my walk with GOd.

Somewhere deep within my heart, something is lacking and i just felt that....something is missing...

I've been asking myself if i love danny more than i love God but i dunno...i hope not..i dun think so...i can lose danny but i cannot lose GOd in this life of mine...

Somewhere...somehow...somewhat...i dun think i am as focused on GOd, as focused when it comes to loving Him, to serving Him, to trusting, to being in Him...

And tis real scary...i really FEAR that time will cause me to become hardhearted...wat's going on?

There is a compromise somewhere...but WHERE?

As i prayed in prayer meeting yesterday, i felt different...somewat different and i fear even more....

God i want to love you and be passionate about u, to give up my everyday to you and to let u take control but where, which area of my life am i holding on to and not giving up???
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I asked to be gentle and loving this year...yet i forgot HOLINESS....yup, that's wat cui has been trying to tell me....i think i overly focused on my relationship with others and my self discovery process regarding my talents etc...i forgot...

My Father's Standards...

In the midst of learning how to be myself and to bless others with my crappy nature, i thought being strict was not me....true enough....but perhaps i have swung to the other extreme and given myself an excuse not to live by the Word that i devoured hungrily every nite...to live by it...in all sense...not in one area but in all areas...


Holiness....that is one attribute of my GOd...He is Holiness and i must be holy to be set apart for Him and from others...TO BE A LIGHT.

Thank you Lord for you illuminating light...Praise You

:)

Nothing without Him, just walk!

i wrestled long enough...

A painful process and a time when i really ask about my directions in life?

Am i going to take honours?

There is a training scholarship available but i have decided against it...because i dun wan to limit myself...to anything...i dunno...i dun wan to be bonded for one year even if it means securing a future....afterall, a scholar is sought after...

But i gave up. I dun wan to move if i am unsure... no...i am not totally at peace...

I prayed....i cried... i struggled...i waivered....i even went as far as to Dr. Ng's office and broke down before her because i don't noe wat's ahead...because i am lost....wat a lousy impression... great...

She told me that i am cynical about social work....

I fear wat lies ahead....

She advised me to explore my career options...maybe i will find myself happier elsewhere...




I felt so pent up....i am so confused...so tired out as i observed myself in this current attachment...i am drained mentally...



I asked and asked and is still asking...


WHERE, LORD??? HOW, LORD??? WHEN, LORD???




And amidst the inner screams and the blank mind, while gazing at the night sky...


i found it...for a split moment....and i am still reconciling....




"Shuyi, just be faithful with wat u are given...."



Ya....i dun need to noe where...i am going to heaven....as for now and wat he wants me to do in this earthly life.....fret not....He has His plan....

Just be Faithful....
Just be Focused....
Just be Patient....
Just walk...step by step....With HIM...



He noes....He prepares....It has always been safest with Him...


My heart flutters....ooohhh...a little unrest...fear....tt's wat it is....fear of the unknown...


Well Shuyi, trust.

If I dun trust God, i can trust nothing. Nothing.




Nothing without Him.

breathe....

Love Kakashi Sensei!
Hatake Kakashi....
Though i dun the small letterings on the picture, i still love this pic...nope i am not a shrine for him....though i really really like him...i think he's so cute!



-------------------------------------------------------

Dun really noe wat to blog...in fact i dun really noe how 2 pray these days....

Most of the time, i look out the window...and .....sigh...

tis been...tiring... i wish darling knew...but he is tired too...

tis just mental...

Need to go....to sit by the window and gaze at the night sky...not with the TV, not with the com, not chatting with danny or ah neh...

just to breathe....to breathe in the air that feels different with...somewat refreshing and comforting....the night sky.

:)

Emmanuel...please...