Striving! Not skiving!

Went for visitations today....Tis Chinese New Year again!!!! YEah!!

This year is a little different from the past...first time Danny turned up at my extended family gathering and first time for me to visit his extended family too! :) Another step of progress in our relationship...!

We did a prayer when we ended our day just now...and with this new year comes excitement!

My darling bought a cool funky British India White top, Striped top and a checkered design top....new jeans, new pants, new shoes, new socks etc and he is carrying a new wallet, new key pouch, sleeping on new bed sheets with new blanket! A new year and a year of striving! The day when Darling loosened and lowered his deuter bag, i knew he has changed..I remembered him saying....that he will be good this year...

Praise the Lord!

Only the Spirit can motivate us,

only the Spirit can awaken us from the weariness of life and grant us energy!

Only the Lord GOd Almighty can do that!

Praise be to Him!

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I must strive too....strive to spend time with GOd and not fall back...yup...

Father, await our transformations!!!

Oh Lord, Sanctify and Transform us!!!

silly me...

I thot i will be late for lesson but i realised i reached one hour earlier...my mind is really not working well today...

Last nite i slept real late...wasn't praying...just sitting in a corner and dazing...for a long long time...resting...my mind was not filled with things.

It was blank.

I just sat there like an idiot... :)

Somehow i am glad because i noe tt GOd has done something great and thrashed things out...I'm glad the thots and emotions that were bottled up were released.

Now tis time for suspense and for time to fill everything in...

With Grace and Love, it will come to a beautiful end...i believe and pray that it will be...

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Tis going to be 4 weeks since the new year has started...i am still trying to adapt to the new environment..new partnership, new schedule, new responsibilities...

This year round, with more Grace and Love, i need to be gentle in my Spirit yet bold in my actions and speech....all for God, my Father...

I wan to advance on my knees...to share my life and thru sharing my life and loving people, to bless with GOd's love. A whole new way to look at life and my relations to others and things...

I used to tok abt GOd all day long when i was younger...all talks but no works...this time i will be different...bit by bit....

I dun like it when people expect single day transformation simply because i took on a different role or simply coz i am older...wisdom grows with age and is constantly working in us but wisdom fills diff peepz at different rates...

And i must admit....

...I am slow...haha... :)

GOd, help me...

:)

Tired...

:)

Think i am a little stressed... :)

thank you

I discovered the cycle: fear and refusal to thanksgiving and joy.
Yup, i experience these each time i turn up for attachment...each time i travel there..

Actually i love the boys there, the girls too but there's 2 few of them...they can be so adorable...so so adorable...i'm going there again tonite...thrice a week for these past 2 weeks..tiring but i am maximising my time by doing bible reading on the train and reflecting on my life.. :) This is a fruitful sem afterall....deep inside me, i am very very excited about all that i will be learning this sem!!! if i exclude the workload...haha :P

Oh God has been so nice to me!!!

Because....

I am still loving him and i haven stray 2 far frm Him when i lose focus!

He gave me the breath of life this morning!

My parents are still alive too!

My boyfriend has a job and is going thru His Moulding process!

My cell is so adorable i feel like hugging every single member!

My uni is so big and tis so filled with love and friendship and exams....ahhhh!!! haha

My church building and design is beautiful and e people are fantastic!

My Mushi is so big literally that he seems so lovable and cute!

My etc etc..........

So much of everything....God's creation is beautiful...God is and far more beautiful!!! For wat He has created and who He is....

Oh Oh.....being created by Him is such an honour!!! Hehe* feeling proud...

I am created by the best craftsman...i am a beautiful breathful dust!!! I got His breath of life!
:)

Thank You Father!

GEE!!!LOVE YOU!!! :D

ooohhh...slowly...ooohhh

This attachment thingy leaves me jittery...

The entire semester seems a whole lot more busy than ever before...

Well well...part and parcel of life i guess...

Just need to be more discipline and to take it up positively...

Feels like i am truly growing up and learning to handle so many areas of my life...when i woke up this morning and prayed for all the people in my life, i really thank You for manifesting ur love...Suddenly i realised how much each individual can offer to me...every single person that crosses my path has something to offer, something for me to learn and model...be it the students in Faith Acts, my cell members, my boyfriend, my school mates, my parents etc etc.

I am taking every step slowly, failing and succeeding with every move....learning to take note, affirm and reprimand myself in the midst of sanctification...

I prayed that this year will be a year of gentleness and love and indeed the theme of love has been running in my blog entries... haha..

Somehow this sem, i am not as hyped up as in the past....maybe because of the many responsibilities that i am learning to take up and to take em up with seriousness instead of giving half heartedly = meaning my stress level has gone up too... *puke puke + diarrhoea*

The Lord be my strength...

"What will u give up cell for???" They asked me in the zone leaders cell, i asked them in my cell group...

In return i got a question, What is cell?

A whole new definition of cell, a reply that i voiced that made me more sure of wat i wan to do with the days to come....indeed... ;)

Structural change has never been easy....now i fear for char's fellowship...something that i have gone thru time and again...the instability....guard those people O Lord...as long as You are in charge...

Alot of questions and thots bottled up, fears and anxiety regarding my schedule this sem...responsibilities mounting...

Lead me Lord...

conflict

Hurt.

By someone close. Closer than i thought she is. But i noe it takes two hands to clap.
And she too, was hurt by me. It was built up...and i allowed it to be...

I had time today to think thru everything...not just from my point of view but to try to take on her perspectives...

We need to talk...

But i don't noe how.

___

Too often than not, we measure by a plumbline, too often than not, we forgot to speak e language of LOVE...

God can judge and we are willing to be judged by him....not simply because He is our redeemer and creator but also because He loves us first. His anger did not discount His love nor was/is anything He does without LOVE...


And before love, we bow...


Yes Lord...


May You heal...


Teach me Lord...

Heal us...

Colour tests

I did my tests twice coz i din get my results for the first one...then i found my previous results so i got two and funny how i became yellow after a few weeks!!! The Orange faded??? :P
Nonetheless, i think i should be more orange than yellow...i dun think i sound as encouraging and affirming as Ms Yellow...haha...

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Shoeeee, your true color is Yellow!

You're yellow, the color of joy and energy — two things you definitely bring to everyone around you. It's hard for anyone to be sad or lonely in your presence; your sunny disposition and cheery outlook just won't allow it. The warmth of your personality shines through in the kindness you show friends and family (and strangers, too). Always ready with a lighthearted joke or heartfelt compliment, you know how to make people feel good about themselves, so they can't get enough of you. Yellow is a warm and inviting color for a warm and inviting person — you!


Orange. You're a bold, confident orange. A warm, powerful color that indicates a strong, welcoming personality, orange is the mark of people who are social and extroverted by nature. Vibrant, with an upbeat attitude, you have a bright, inviting demeanor. Energetic and fun-loving, you're a real friend-magnet. Your easy charm and unassuming manner make you the sort of person people want to meet and get to know better. Well-rounded and fun to be around, you enjoy helping others, so it's no surprise that orange also symbolizes attraction. Orange is an extraordinary color — for an extraordinary person

Love and Fears

Had contiuous dreams last nite..diarrhoea this morn..

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Probably coz of my endless thoughts...hmmm...

I spoke to Danny about my decision regarding honours year and i realised that there is so many assumptions and differences between the 2 of us...

Fears unspoken...dreams untold...perspectives retained...words held.

Only one thing kept us going:

LOVE

For that reason, i am interested and i wan to noe more, i wan to learn about him and i wan to work with and around him....

Love is indeed powerful, beyond imagination, beyond the control of the mind sometimes...something tt follows my every heartbeat :)


FEAR is powerful too...

...some are for a positive cause...

I had a great fear this morn....my cell army boys are placed in situations where it is hard to flee from temptations....facing tests, trials and temptations....
For a moment, i wish i could just snatch everyone out. How i pray that they may choose God and His way in the Army. I hope i did not lose Wee Boon...I hope he is still with us...


I've heard from a friend, a brother in Christ telling me that he wants to live longer in the World, not to return to Heaven so soon and i fear for him. To him, the world is attractive. Yes, he wants God in his life. But not now. Now he has so many things that he craves to do.

And with every word and description, i fear. I fear for him. Greatly.

Lord, help them to return. Call them back. Even if it means thru serious and impactful events. Call them back...my Lord...

In Your worthy hand, in Your mighty hand, in those wounded hands, i leave Your people. They are Yours...on their behalf i ask,


"Call us back..."

timetable

Had my first group leaders cell...

Had my first combined cell...

Had my first lecture...

Had my first meeting at the Agency...

My timetable is falling into place :)

I just need to give up my job even though i got through the interview...i can afford the time but i guess i won't, not at the expense of the time with Danny and not at the expense of my personal time and space that affects my time with God. This year is going to be a tough one for Danny...i dun want to make my sem be a tough and end up being demanding and taxing him further...yup, it will cost me my job. So be it.

I do not know whether i wan to take honours yet but i guess i will noe at the end of this sem...

i'm rather apprehensive about this half of the year...



God, take it....my first half of the year...tis safest when u are handling it...

Oh....and I need to be more gentle and loving....

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New year is coming! Yeah!!!!

Packed schedule....shuffling btw danny's family and mine!

Nonetheless, i'm glad i got attached...

The last year has been great with him...a blessing from you.

That's y am always excited when it comes to activities with him...

:)

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ShakeN

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To be extraordinary in the World and ordinary in Your Kingdom

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Or to be ordinary in the World and extraordinary in Your Kingdom

???

I am struggling so hard...

with a little dream within me...

too much to give up...TOO MUCH...

But i am your beloved daughter, your servant, your creation...

I am yours right?

But i wan to be mine, the world's...

I am unsure of your calling but i am already refusing, rebeling...

Trust and Obey

IT hit me!

Brian's Essay: The Room...

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented. When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

And then I saw it.. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand. And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."-Phil. 4:13 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."

If you feel the same way forward it to as many people as you can so the love of Jesus will touch their lives also. My "People I shared the gospel with" file just got bigger, how about yours?

Zone Structural changes

The zone structural change has been on my heart for some time...i am very worried...Woke up today praying for Cuifen and her adaptation to the new cell...thinking about my dear SW junior Caiying and how everything will turn out.

Today at prayer meeting, they told us to pray for the zone. Indeed. My heart weighs and fears for the individuals...for us who are committed to the zone, tis just another change but for others, tis more than that. A home requires stability...stability in the midst of changes...assurance of love and concern.

A heart of servanthood is so precious in the midst of these changes yet many a times we stumble, i stumbled.

Changes seen in a positive light by all is beautiful but we always look at the deficits and flaws first...i do that most of the time....yeah...i need to change...

Weird. I am one of those who learnt from falling and failing, again and again. Never the goody and caring cell leader...well...another year of training...no...i dun wan it at the expense of my cell members...i must remember that i am not a leader...not the normal kind...a shepherd and a servant...woohh...alot to change for a strong headed and needy girl like me.

My only regrets is that the people around will have to go thru the changes with me...hope i will be a blessing even thru my failures.

I will try. Dun just use my talents and gifts. Use me.

My analogy of myself: When pride meets Majesty, pride needs to retreat in order for majesty to take His place and His glory to shine on others.

Bows~

Shoeee

A fresh start

A beautiful year...

A new beginning...

The Word unfolds...

The prayers rise...

I believe this year will be a beautiful one. Prideful Shoeee will meet her match---The Awesome God. Because of Him, she will be humbled.

I will be humbled.

Love you Lord,

Shoeee