Beauty

I spoke to Yanbing on the train. The conversation revolved around my future directions.

I came home, vexed and lost. As i tok to Danny...things cleared up.


It was open rebellion, me saying No to God again. Me refusing GOd's words and wanting a say in that future that i long for GOd to plan for me.

Ya...for Him to Plan it...but in my way...

I have wrestled long enough...i was lost in it...and then i wrestled again...

I want security and wealth, outward beauty and comfort.
I want to noe tt when i graduate, i will be able to dress up in heels and beautiful clothings, i want to be able to work office hours without having to do OT. I want to have security and a large sum of money to pay off my enormous debts incurred from my university education. I want to save up to get married. I want to buy an apartment that i like and do it up the way i want it to be.

I want...i want...i want...

Vanities of vanitie, all is but VANITIES...
Cast all your anxieties unto me...
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind...
Seek ye first the kingdom of God..
The beauty of woman in Proverbs 31...

Have i forgotten the Word of the Lord? Ain't all these the very words and guidelines for living? The plain words in the bible, yet from the manual of living...it has to come alive and to be lived out....it has to be...

I have seen non christians who attend church...these are people who live better lives and season their words with more salt than christians, people who are more sensible than Christians...

What happened? Well, the core of it is because we are not living the lives we are called to live...not hungering and thirsting for the Word nor expressing the desire for somehting that we cLAimEd to be so precious to us....not living it out...wat is there in Christianity? What is there in this faith if Christians are half hearted?

Yet it is the same with me. Open rebellion, hearing of the Word but not loving and craving it enough....the Lord of the Universe is depreciated to the sideline.

Me. Lost. Lost in the World.

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God, let me find you everywhere i go...In your presence, to give up EVERYTHING, my ALL, there is a right way to live the Christian life...not for leaders...but for every believers....to live out the plain words in the bible...not just profoundly hearing, not just memorising, but living it...

I need obedience and faith.

I need you so much.

Coz i am so hopeless and struggling so hard...


Ask and it shall be given, Seek and ye shall find, knock and the door shall be open unto you...


I noe u are speaking....just that i wasn't listening...because i was dreaming and talking...dreaming and planning...dreaming and searching...i can't hear you.



Here i am. Finally.