Resilience

Resilience...

Oceans will part....indulged in it for a few minutes...viewed Janelle's baby photos...a little more emotionally stabilised now...fighting back the constant urge to tear again or rather to wail again because someone will come to my lane soon and i dun need anyone to see me breaking down in the school....it is getting crowded.

Take a deep breath...

Think about En En...

Let the shell of protection slowly build up once again. I dun even noe when it suddenly disappeared...maybe when i got provoked by the class and then on facebook? But i have deleted the entire post. Both the posts.

Baby was kicking non-stop just now when i was angry...poor baby...

Forgive me Lord. Forgive me for being narrow-minded. Forgive me for uncouth and unnecessary words that caused so much responses. Forgive for my lack of prudence. Let me not speak such a words again. As i attack, the whole world attacks in return. This is a weird friendship. One with a victimised and aggressor response and reaction. Maybe this is the first friendship that i should steer from or maybe i should just not be so emtional about it.

Sorry Lord. I forgot that my class is filled with kids. Kids from a background that i cannot understand. They must be hungry. Help me to be more compassionate to them.

Dear Lord, in my anger, hold me from sin. You noe how i'm ruled by emtions and go crazy once it takes over. Thank you for these 2 periods to wail and to calm down. Walk with me now before i am taken over by reckless thots and deeds and ruled by extreme soulish emotions...

What struggles...

Help me Lord...

Deliver me and forgive me...

Help me to forgive those who have hurt me and touched my sore points.

Help me Lord....


In the name of Jesus I pray,

Amen.

Rational venting session...

Dear God,

I have a sore spot. A sore spot that was touched by many others. It was surfaced in US and it has just surfaced again. Many people chooses to evade the topic but as for me, i attack....simply because that's how i react. And this time round, i chooses to give up on all fellowship and relationships with all these people. I think i had enough of ppl poking around my sore spot.

School has not been easy. I am tired. There's a part of me that does not even understand why I refused to be vulnerable. I'm sick. I put on a mask everyday and pretend to be so energetic and then i go home and cry every night. This is ridiculous. I should just laugh at myself. How can my kids spend one whole period just learning how to copy the answers correctly with capital letters? This is called being attentive or committed to work? I just am very tired. Tired of this kind of things and the many things that i am trying to balance...and maybe my depression is changing into a state of ANGER that attacks everyone and anyone who comes my way.

You told me to persevere. You told me that it will be better after the rain but every part of me is struggling at this point of time in my life. I am just so angry....so tired...

Father, can i go home now? Can i stop working for a little while? Can i just pause and have a little more joy? I want to be holy but i am a human too. There are points when we break down and Lord, i think this is the point when i break down. When i cannot continue anymore.

What is so great about being pregnant? It does not give any entitlement. It just mean that when you are a whole lot more tired and emotional, you have to grit your teeth more than ever to continue the journey. You make more effort to be holy to attain the same level of self control that would otherwise pervades your life. You give more of yourself to accomplish tasks that were once simle feats. But expect no privileged treatment. Who are you? You are just another creation. You are JUST ANOTHER CREATION, ANOTHER EXISTENCE THAT TAKES UP AIR AND SPACE.

AND NOW I FFEL ROTTEN. ROTTEN TO THE MAX. I'M SCREWED UP. iF THAT IS HOW EVERYONE WANTS ME TO PERCEIVE MYSELF THEN THAT BE IT.

I used to be favoured, loved and cherished. Now?

Okay...it is an angry and whiny message.

Baby, mummy is sorry. Id din mean to put you through so many negative, depressive and angry vibes. I'm sorry. In the name of Jesus, i ask for forgiveness, for my sins and emotions, for my words and deeds, for how i manage my life and i ask and plead of the Lord that you will not experience all these in the Spirit. Thank you for being in my life, for being in my womb, for being a part of you. I want it all to be pleasant for you. I want it all to be beautiful for you. I am sorry that i scarred your world within me. I really ask for healing in the name of Jesus that you will not be affected. Sorry baby. Mummy was overwhelmed by negative emotions. Sorry baby.

I should just flee from hurtful people and withdraw from them. I should just remove myself from their midst. Thank God for the closed ones in my life. The rest of you, fall back and just leave me alone. Who cares about you!!!!

Pissed...!

I am super pissed....either it is because I am pregnant and super emotional or anything to do with and against En En affects the core of my being.

I have little tolerance even when it comes to the slightest jokes related to En En. I am super pissed when anyone jokes about En En and who needs friends anyway?

Who needs friends when everyone else is purely SICK and IDIOTIC!