Towards 4 years...

2009….2010….2011….2012….2013….going to be 4 years since we got married and 9 years since we got attached…

We have learnt to connect from emotionally to spiritually and perhaps….physically…

But it is not all perfect…as to all things….


4 years of marriage…..it is evident even to Jane and perhaps others that the 2 of us dun communicate well…hehz…perhaps more than that.

Our Mental Modals apart from the spiritual aspects and theology are too vast apart and our families are too different from each other.

Our character? Sanguine Melancholic verses choleric phlegmatic….haha totally different.

Too much to say….yet no need to elaborate.

If not for God, it would be impossible for either party to survive and continue…


I am bad with communication and accountability…I made a decision spontaneously and I drag the world along selfishly to get what I want. I expect everyone to bow at my feet and fulfill my will.


You think about others and let them drag you alone and then you harbour deep hatred against them…almost the opposite…haha…if not when the A Type character appear, you seemingly give everyone a choice when you already have something in mind and all you wanted to give is your approval but you dun even want to go through the thinking process. The tug of war between the phlegmatic and choleric…whichever won that day.

We are both no better. The one who has many obvious sharp corners verses the one who has no idea the amount of secret pride and sin in his life. The one who loves dirt and wild verses the one who loves cleanliness and appreciates security. The one who likes to buy things to keep verses the one who spends on food…the one whose family are overly involved and afraid of inconveniencing verses the one are cant be bothered and uses others like a bottomless pit….well the one who is the youngest and most spoilt verses the one who is the eldest and takes up the most responsiblity….the one who likes to give up and loves changes verses the one who goes for the long haul and loves stability…and th elist just goes on...

But now, we are stuck together. For some reason.


That only God knows why and what we can become after we learn to iron things out and learn first and foremost to communicate.


The hardest word between human….resulting in things like politics etc.

The worst is:

We aren't even talking about the need to communicate.

Alas….tonight I'm consumed by darkness so let me hope again tomorrow…

Because of Jesus and the covenant made before God and men.


Because of the love that left me tonight.

Dear Jesus, please intervene.

We are good. We are just not communicating mentally.



And that kinda messed everything up.



I dunno at which it started…perhaps after I started work this year and had less time to think about the family….perhaps stress level was high and there was no time for interaction….



Oh whatever.


Please help, Lord.


In Jesus' name,

Amen.

Silenced...

So yesterday I spent 2 hours before the Lord praying for my future directions…asking God to help me find time to do things that I really enjoy doing…


and I told him to encounter me and to show me the path ahead….

dreaming that …perhaps…perhaps…

He might grant me the desires of my heart…

to stay as a normal teacher with no stakes…maybe a relief teacher on no-pay leave at Danny's school…

Having time for cell group and prayer meeting….not having to fear not having enough time with kids since I spent the afternoon with them with half day relief schedule so that I can serve at night…

How exciting…

Committing my desires to the Lord, I sought Him for an answer.


But it came almost immediately. His reply.

And leaves Danny and I laughing. Heh….our Lord has a sense of humour and He sure knows how to target the weak area to get me to succumb…

Yeah so I lost. And put all things on hold again.

 Danny was watching me…consoling me that it is natural to dread returning to school after PSLE marking…

Then before I went to sleep, he said, "Mum was wondering whether she should retire next year and take care of the children since your mom is complaining about how she dun wanna take care of the children…she said if we are not paying her well then she might get another job outside if she stops selling food at the canteen…."

He sent my world into a whirlwind….no way…

I started laughing….as though the world has collapsed on me and darkness has engulfed me….tsk…

He din understand until I explained,

If mum stays at home, there's no way I can stay home…how then can I go on no-pay??? The only reason that would keep me from wanting to stay at home is being with my mil…the lady that the Lord is constantly using to mould me to become a better person…

Wow Lord… Amazing way to dash my dreams and to keep me in my job…

*Applause* to the Lord!!! The God who strategically answers my prayer and left me at a place where I don't need to negotiate anymore…

PRAISE THE LORD :) 

You are my God.

You win.

Life as I would want it to be...

I am struggling…

Life as I would want it to be…

Far from what it is now… :(

I would love to...

1. Assist my husband in his workplace
2. Ballet
3. Baking
4. Cooking
5. Go on church visitation especially for Yubin
6. Lead a cell group
7. Lead worship at Church Prayer Meeting
8. Plan and teach in school
9. SEW!!!
10. Study part time

So Lord,

I present the desires of my heart before you….asking that you grant me my heart's desires so that I could also bless in other areas apart from sowing only into the education mountain. That while my husband sows his seed on this mountain, I would be a beautiful helper by his side.

That all the other prayers that I have made for myself, my family, the youth in Singapore, my church, the education mountain, the Chinese race would somehow also be fulfilled in your good time…

Tucked in the cracks of the wailing wall since 2007, I ask of you to hear my prayers and to honour the desires of my heart, to hear my heart's cries. 

Remember how King Solomon prayed to you to hear the cries of those who pray towards the temple in Jerusalem. Hear. My Lord. May you begin to whisper a still small voice into my heart, speak into my yearning heart, leave me trembling at the reality that my Lord is yet again unveiling directions for the path ahead…

I look toward 2105 and I lift up my hands to the Lord,

ENCOUNTER & REVEAL YOUR     CHARTED JOURNEY 

FOR MY LIFE

I hate living with the Kohs!

SOOOOoooooo here we are again....

In a place of dissatisfaction.

How can you leave me alone for 2 nights in a row?

To pursue your nourishment as a Christian and to bring your dad to a doctor?

When I did not even have a chance to have a quiet time.

When I did not even have the chance to take care of my mum when she is going through hell for OUR family.


Can't he go by himself? Is it the money? Then give him the money....why do they expect to receive all the time?

Why then are my family giving all the time?

How have we bless our family???

Why do I have to wake up in the morning and face differential treatment even when it comes to helping with the children?

Why do I live in a household full of KOHs??? So much so that they spill over to my mother's place!!!!!!!!!!

I hate it.

I hate it that while Im going through all these, you are pursuing your dreams and your life!!!!

I hate it!!!

I hate it that you can to bathe leisurely and prepare happily and then come and rush me when you get out of the toilet at the same time.

I hate it that all of you are always doing things without thinking....without thinking how others are packing the shit behind your back.


I hate it that I have to share my house just because U chose not to save when you were rich enough to even own a factory.

I hate all of it!

I hate the lack of planning and the expectation that others will always be there to pick up your shit.

I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prayer group

Another meeting. We have managed to gather 4 people... praise God :) how happieee is that?!!! Work is still crazy but im glad that I get to pray in the midst of everything.

The initial fear of underperforming before man is gone. After the tearful session, I only need to think about my duty to God. Hmmm...and Im more settled too.

I really want to be a creative teacher who can enrich my class and help them score in exams. Help  me Lord :)

I bring before primary 3 n 4 conpassion and ask for your compassion.  May you help them to learn well and help us to teach well.

Thank you Abba Father. Amen.