COMMITTMENT

Recently, the Lord has been highlighting something in my life.

At the core of it all, it is about how much i love the Lord and how much i love to walk in His ways.

COMMITTMENT.

It has been all about COMMITTMENT. The Lord seems to be beckoning me to the place of committment---a place that i feared for many years of my life.

The Shuyi that i know has never been bold and courageous except for the times when i am too caught up in wateva passion and moves ahead without thinking of the consequences. Margaret, Margaret knows how i fear every task that is assigned to me. I dunno when i seem to believe the lie that i can't handle anything properly and i can't see it through. I know it is a lie but i really believe it for many years in my life that High 'I' (Influential) people are not consistent workers.

Servanthood, Cruxification on the Cross with Jesus, living a life of Committment and Obedience, Learning to hold and stabilise a Ministry with Jesus...

All these seem so unmanageable. These have been on my mind.

God calls and i am responding but i fear the future i cannot see. I fear that i will shy away from responsibility like in the past. I've failed so many times, uncountable. Now i trust people, i trust those around me much more than i trust myself. I trust Danny, i trust Jane, I trust Dianne, I trust Weiqiang, I trust many many others...and the ironical fact is i dun trust myself. I have failed myself and others more than they have failed me. I find myself at the point where i am just wrestling and asking God HOW?

How to hold on to Your ministry? How can i be entrusted with Your work? Look at the friends around me, they are more trustworthy than me...but God, i am so privileged to be chosen and now i fear...

I greatly fear...to the point of diarrhoea, insomnia, nightmares....oh Lord...how can i handle your ministry?

You said, 'Perfect love drives out all fears'.

And i noe i have not love you perfectly, not to the point of death, not even to the point when i am willing to be committed to your work and your purposes...love.

And now the question that lingers is:


HOW MUCH DO I LOVE YOU LORD?
HOW FAR AM I WILLING TO TRUST YOU TO SEE US THROUGH?
WHERE IS MY FAITH, LOVE AND HOPE?




I need You to come through in my life now and forever...because i can't...