heck

Practicum has been really hard and stressful for me.

I think i just dun handle transitions well...

Anxiety and fear just cloud my mind as always...

Worse still, i can be immobilised by fear...

So much for conquest and victory...

So much for a lifetime of abundance...

I find myself drowning in the worries of this life and the tides of the world...


And encouragement, that i have not.

Not unless my Lord speaks...

A heart that can be encouraged by none other than my God.

A mind that can be convinced by none other than my Lord.

Yes, an insatiable desire that is not quenched...

A hunger and thirst that leads to the path of sin if it is not satisfied...

A thin line between good and evil to satisfy the ever growing vacuum within my heart


How ii struggles with my flesh these days and the sinful tendencies of my heart...

How i unleashed my emotions in the midst of the current storms...

How my heart fails to seek the King within the tiime constraint

How i have sacrificed my time with my King for daily chores that are burdensome

And today against all rules and breaking forth,

I give up.


I shall be a deviant.


In the face of dateline, i will not submit.


I just need rest.

Desperately regardless of whether i am putting my results at risk.

i only have one word in my head.

It was not even 'God' or 'Jesus'.

It is 'HECK'

That's all i have.

I dun care anymore.

I am sorry my witnesses.

I hope you dun have to pay for my failure.

I hope God will help me to pass.

I am not thriving.

I am striving and struggling.

That's all i am dealing with each day.

That's all the strength i have for each day.

Heck.

For today, let my name be shuyi.

And tomorrow i shall be Ariel yet again.

But as for now,

i am shuyi.